KWANZAA: What's The Nia? (Purpose) - The Original Kwanzaa Saga

I'm celebrating Kwanzaa this year. Not because I want to , but because my Mom told me not to knock anything till I've tried it. I'm trying to grow as a person. Don't judge me. She also told me that if I don't have anything nice to say... don't say anything at all. (Uh.. yeah. )

However...

I really...really..REALLY don't like Kwanzaa. Really.

And let me tell you why. (I don't listen to my mother...btw.)

Now, don't get me wrong... I appreciate what Dr. Karenga tried to do when he created Kwanzaa and all. You know..love yourself, love your brother, light some candles and whatnot...but COME ON! Kwanzaa has some SERIOUS flaws.

For starters... it's not a user-friendly reflective holiday at. effin. all.

Now, I consider myself a pretty intelligent woman, but seriously, that shit is WAY too complicated. Here's what I mean.

You see...Christmas is simple.

Shop. Open gifts on Dec. 25th. Front like a jolly old fat dude bought 'em. Pray. (Maybe...) Done.

Ramadan? Pray and starve. Done.

Hanukkah? Eight nights of not-Christmas-gifts, light candles, spin a dreydl.

But OH NO. Not us. We gotta be different. And in our efforts to be different, we bit off of everyone else and "CREATED" the most complicated fuckin' holiday EVER. And it came out of the freakin' clear blue sky!

One year, you were just celebrating Christmas and the next year, somebody spread the "Kwanzaa" rumor like a clip of Beyonce falling on the internet. The next thing I know, people are scrambling for corn stalks and dashikis.

OK. I need to say that I love being black. I'm extremely proud of my heritage and the incredible accomplishments of my people. We have overcome. So just so you don't think I'm just being a self-hating jerk, let's take a good look into what it takes to celebrate this holiday properly, shall we?

First..you gotta get the props.

This includes: Candle Holder (kinara), Candles (three red, three green and one black ), some corn and other assorted produce, a mat, a cup, a flag, some books, and poster that actually LISTS the seven principles of Kwanzaa.

(Yes. There are seven. I bet you can only name two. One..cuz she was in "Love Jones", the other cuz you got a baby cousin somewhere with the same name. Come on. Admit it.)

Now, once you get your props and your instruction poster...you gotta get your entire family to come home every night for 7 days, dress up in traditional African garb, and run down the principles...not to mention a special greeting to recite every night.

...But that's not gonna be easy either. Because everything is in SWAHILI!!! Most of us have yet to master proper English...much less Swahili. (Cousin that still says "scrimps" ring a bell?)

Then, to top it all off... you get suckered into buying gifts...for seven days!

... Which sounds like it could be expensive...but it's not going to be. Because these gifts have to be enlightening gifts. Something to feed your mind, body and soul.

So what do we do? That's right. We go to the Kwanzaa Expo in the Jacob Javitz Center and buy up copies of Zane's "Juicy Bootie" for everyone we love because it'll make them READ. (Umm...I ask you...exactly how is this uplifting the race?)

Speaking of race...the only people that can celebrate this are African Americans? Huh? What kind of bullshit is that? Now with all the other holidays, if you want to join in, knock yourself out! But Kwanzaa is an exclusive celebration for black folk and that leaves all my other friends left out (and the jokes are crazy), which is, to me, the very problem.

I don't NEED to hear about black history, the Trans-Atlantic slave trade and reversing the negative stereotypes about black folk. Hell... I live it every day! You are preaching to the choir. How about focusing on my Irish/German friend (don't worry, I won't shout you out) who had no idea who Alvin Ailey was. She might just need a little help. Or the one that thinks we still drink Ripple. (I'm working on him.) Or the ones that still think we are superior in the sexual organ department. (OK. We are. But still.) Can we include them? You know...make it our mission to maybe to bring them to over to our Grandma's house for some soul food. Introduce them to a real life "Jamal" or "Shaniqua" (I know four of them) and eliminate some of this media induced fear? I know, it's idealistic, but damn...we gotta start somewhere.

And finally...the most important reason why this holiday sucks is...WHERE'S THE MUSIC?!

How is this gonna be a African-American holiday...WITH NO SONGS? Nothing! No Neo. No John Legend. No Kanye West track...NOTHIN. (OK. To be fair...we have some attempts...but um...let me put it this way. They suck. )

Kwanzaa songs are the single worst African-American created musical genre of ALL TIME. (And that's saying a lot, cuz Crunk is pretty freakin' bad.) I mean, even Stevie Wonder's Kwanzaa song sucked! You hear me? STEVIE WONDER. He took "Isn't She Lovely", put some eff'd up robotic voice over it and sang "Haaapy Kwanzaa." Teddy Pendergrass tried too..and it's actually pretty snazzy. (But Teddy just makes you sad, doesn't he?)

So...since I don't bitch without solution, I propose we fix Kwanzaa by borrowing from of the more practiced holidays.

1) Keep the name (it's catchy and fun to say. Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa...), but change the seven "Nguzo Saba"'s to ENGLISH. We might be interested in practicing Kujichagulia if we knew what the hell it meant.

2) Keep the candles...but pick ONE color, and lose the rest of the props. It's gaudy. Seriously. Besides...if you have "pets" (intentional or poverty imposed), the "produce out for several days" thing is NOT gonna fly.

3) Gifts on ONE day. Preferably, New Years Eve. Keep the feast that day too...it'll help to suck up all that booze ur about to consume.

4) Get Common, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, Kindred, Floetry, India Arie (and every other "happy to be nappy" artist without a dance routine) to do a "We Are The World" type collabo that'll make people WANNA sing that joint every year.

and finally...

5) Get either BET or TV One to do an annual "Kwanzaa Show" starring every hot act of the year...on New Years. Somebody's got to take over Dick Clark's spot. Ratings. Ratings. Ratings.


So there. I said it. (That wasn't too bad, right Mom?)

But remember, at the end of this week, after practicing my very first Kwanzaa, I might just take it all back. And if I do, I will write a personal apology to Dr. Karenga and all of you that just de-friended me after this. Pinkie swear.