KWANZAA 2010: DAY 2 : I'll KUJI-CHAAAAAA-GULIA ...Later. I'll Get Back To You.

"Kujichagulia or "self determination" reinforces the need for African Americans to determine their own futures, by taking control of their present circumstances. During Kujichagulia celebrations, participants teach, learn and practice values such as continuous education, physical and mental health and financial literacy."
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The corn isn't doing so well.
I mean, I took a look at it this morning and it's starting to dimple. ( I probably should have gotten that hard, brown speckled corn instead of getting the one in the pack from Foodtown, but I was in a hurry.
As for the harvest? We are now down a banana and another orange. (Hey...it was either that or bake some more cookies. I think the ancestors would rather I dig in.)
Sigh... so. Yeah. I guess you want to read how I "Kujichagulia"'d...right?
Yeah...well...um...
Here's the truth. I sorta didn't do it till about ten minutes till midnight. With about two Nyreezmos in me. (A "Nyreezmo" is made up of whatever booze I have in the house with whatever mixer I have in the house. Flavor results may vary. Intoxication results are pretty damn consistent.)
You know what? This shit is starting to get stressful. And I'm not blaming anyone but myself, but damn!
Now, when I look at that stupid Kwanzaa set up in my living room, (how quickly we go from BEAUTIFUL to STUPID), instead of feeling all enlightened and empowered... I resent the hell out of it. I didn't really like yesterday's revelation after I thought about it...no matter how true it was, so I didn't think I was going to like this one either. So I came up with the perfect solution.
Why not just...put it off! You know... play some Zumba! Deep condition my hair! Make some turkey wings! Jump on "Stumbleupon"!
And that's exactly what I did. Wasn't trying to go outside because that snow was still there and renamed me "Kizzy". (Stay put.)
So, my friends.... I bullshitted.
Magnificently.
Let me give you a background of the human you all know and love as Nyree Emory.


I am a four star Procrastinator. And I know what you're thinking... hell, who isn't?

But no...I don't think you understand. I mean, I PROCRASTINATE. And I LOVE it. I take PRIDE in procrastination and how well I do it. How everything always seems to magically work out in the end and how ALL that stress was worth it.
I will wait till the last possible second to do EVERYTHING and then complain how HARD it was because I didn't have enough time....but I got it done anyway..AREN'T YOU PROUD OF ME?!
In school, if I had a project due...the final line would be written sometime around 6:20AM on the very morning it was due.
And, I'd usually get an "A" or something really close to it. Leading me to believe that I do all my best work under the gun...and a procrastination monster was born.
At work, I fucking LOVE deadlines! Are you KIDDING? The more, the better! If I have four projects to get out by Friday and it's Tuesday...BRING. IT. ON.
However, the not so-fun side of my procrastination includes: coming home to a dishwasher full of dishes I forgot to put away, bags of laundry begging to be washed, phone calls it's too late to return, shoes all over the apartment, fuck...I forgot to buy toilet paper...and toothpaste..AND soap?! Shit. Now I have to wipe my ass with napkins, brush my teeth with baking soda and peroxide and wash with shampoo?! And I might as well watch some...what the hell happened to the cable?! Damn it...was that bill due?!
I used to glorify this bullshit with dreamy, sing-songy self righteous sayings like... "I live in the now. I live in a place where everything is amazing and the future will be amazing too, but I don't really have time to deal with planning for that ...I've got things I have to do NOW. RIGHT NOW. And isn't that where we ALL should live?"
The problem with living in the NOW without considering that what you are doing (or not doing) in the now will completely fuck up the future when that future becomes NOW. You tend to think everything will be OK on it's own, magically...and it won't.
The past two years, I learned that the hard way. It's cost me time and money, and possibly relationships.
From not canceling automated subscriptions, paying a stupid amount of late fees, not checking my mail regularly, not going to the gym, forgetting appointments & events, not cooking at home, not bringing my lunch to work...
Once or twice, sure. But do it enough and you begin to see that...it's a problem. You begin to see your life tilt on a slope and everything that was once evenly spread out, slides down to the bottom...all crushed together. You now have a big ass pile of mess you need to sort through....which you will gladly deal with.
...later. (heavy sigh...)
So, back to me bullshitting on the Kujichagulia...
So like I said, I'm on "Stumbleupon" (BTW, a shout out to my friend Dele for my new habit. I love and hate you for it...) and what should I come across but an article on, you guessed it... "Procrastination" on one of my new favorite blogs, "You Are Not So Smart"
http://youarenotsosmart.com/2010/10/27/procrastination/
Now, as I started to read this article on procrastination, my eyes glazed over, my ADD kicked in and I decided I'd read it later. You know. When I was more focused.
Yeah. Let that sink in. I'll wait.
...Did it sink in? Good.
So, you know that "C'mon Son!" look you just gave me? Yeah, that's the same look I gave myself.
So...I thought...how in the hell can I make this fun?
I KNOW! I'll pretend I'm on "60 Minutes" and read it from a teleprompter!
And so...I did.
I cut and pasted the entire article and read it aloud...from a teleprompter.
http://www.cueprompter.com/
(You probably think I'm joking...but deep down, you know damn well I'm not)
And by the end...I got, yet another "oh shit" moment. And that moment revealed the following:
If I just outsmart myself out of bullshitting, then I'll improve my quality of life. If I set up foolproof deadlines to get shit done...I'll have no choice. If hold myself accountable...with a penalty or something... SHIT. MUST. GET. DONE.
If I procrastinate because I waste time on (insert major waste of time here), I must eliminate that (insert major waste of time here), until I get it done. However, knowing me...I have to make it FUN! I have to turn it into a challenge (see "teleprompter") or I just won't do it.
And with that...I just took the reigns! I just... KUJI-CHAAAAAA-GULIA'd!!
And to prove it... I just got http://macfreedom.com/
This blocks me from the internet for a few hours so I can get my shit done. Budget balance. Clean out the closets. Return those damn phonecalls. Let's see if I can get it done BEFORE I'm allowed back on the internet.
Can I do it? We'll see!

"CH-ALLENGE!!"

And I do this...because the NOW me is way smarter than FUTURE me.
The FUTURE me? I don't trust her. She's gotten the NOW me into too much trouble. I'm in control now.

"I'll be ripping off my OWN costumes now. Thank you very much."

OK KWANZAA! NEXT UP...
(Ayo...I believe that's me...)
Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility):
To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and sister's problems our problems and to solve them together.
(Fuck.)

***Due to unforeseen Holiday issues I, sadly, did not complete this task. HOWEVER, I did successfully do it the year before...(and it's posted) so feel free to take a gander at that. We have since then patched everything up and are loving each other like Bobby and Whitney. Pre-crack. Happy endings all around. Well...except for Bobby and Whitney. ***

KWANZAA 2010: DAY 1: UMOJA...Not Available In Stores

Umoja (Unity): To strive for and to maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race.

"The snow already started. If I leave now, do you think I'll beat the blizzard?" Josh texted.

Shit.

I had two options here. Option one... text my little brother back with, "Yes, now get your teenage ass on that train and meet me at the Museum so I can get some culture in you, damn it!" or I could just let him off the hook.

The day before, I'd asked him (bribed him) to come with me to the Museum Of Natural History for their annual Kwanzaa Celebration, thinking that I'd have "Umoja" in the freakin' BAG by the very act of bringing him to some uber-black cultural Kwanzaa Fest.

I mean, we have different mothers, he's two decades younger than me ( hey...Pops is a rollin' stone...) and if THAT shit don't say "Unity", I don't know what does! Hell people... I'm bridging gaps! Age gaps, cultural gaps...you name it! AND, I'd fully planned on bringing him to Shake Shake so he could see how a single cheeseburger can actually be a spirtual experience. I mean... for real...Habari Gani!!

(Which is Swahili for " What's the News?". Though I'm taking it to mean..."What's REALLY Good?" and saying it with that much "hood" in my attitude...kna mean? Try it. Say "Habari Gani" as if you were saying "What's REALLY Good?" Fun, huh?)

So anyway...I let him off the hook. We'd hang another time. And this decision was prompted by two things:

1. Guilt about dragging my brother to an event he didn't want to go to for the sake of my own self-exploration.

2. Fear of getting a phone call from my father about my brother being trapped on the 6 train for three hours because of the storm. Believe me, that's not a phone call you want. Ever.

I called the boyfriend to tell him it was off and he was already taking his kids back home due to weather conditions, so, even if I wanted to move forward...it's a wrap. Gee...thanks storm.

And that's when it hit me. Doing this series again this year might be a baaaaad fucking idea because umm...

NOW WHAT? How the hell am I supposed to celebrate Kwanzaa, find the spirit and Umoja when I have NOTHING to write about. Way to go Nye. Who the hell can "Umoja"... alone at home... during a storm?

RECORD SCRATCH! Storm?

Wait a second. A storm is coming...I need to get FOOD.

(Did your mother do this? Whenever they heard a storm was on the way, they'd run to the Supermarket an stock up for Armageddon, like they wouldn't be able to hit another grocery store for a month?)

So yeah, I need food and ... wait a second. Didn't I say I was going to celebrate Kwanzaa the right way this year? I didn't get "the props"! Wholly shit! I gotta run to TARGET!

Now...don't ask me why I thought Target would have a "Kwanzaa" section, but they had to. They HAD to.

Because if they don't, this entire series is RUINED and I've FAILED. So they HAVE to have one... they just HAVE to!

(20 minutes later...)

They don't.

I know... it's a shocker.

"Well..let me know if ya find it! We don't even know what that is!"

Why in the hell did I think there would be one section where I could pick up a kinara (candle holder), candles (red, black, green to represent our colors), harvest (produce to represent abundance), a communal cup (for pouring libations), and a mat (um..to make shit look presentable)?

Well...they didn't. So as I stood there looking stupid and wondering how the hell I was going to celebrate Kwanzaa if I couldn't buy the proper...uh...props, I remembered "Richard from Texas".

Not sure if you read/saw "Eat, Pray, Love", but while the author was in the ashram in India...she started to stress out about how she was going to decorate her meditation room instead of concentrating on getting her mind still. Her friend, "Richard from Texas" (who nicknamed her "Groceries", because she was more concerned with food than the purpose at hand...) asked her straight out..."Are you shitting me? Who gives a crap what the room looks like?! Decorate what's on the INSIDE Groceries!"

Right. And that's when I realized, I'd been going at this thing all wrong.

See, I kinda got caught up in the glitz of doing this thing for you all. Those who loved the last series so much, they couldn't wait to see what I got into again. My ego took over like ..."Relax Nye...I got this. This will be amazing and you'll be loved for it! And you LOVED the love...right? Yes...you did! So lets go get some more! Write girl...write and make them love you!" Totally forgetting that I did this thing, not for you...not even for me. But...for a higher reason! And that reason is... umm... well....

What I'm trying to say is that this isn't supposed to be about how much I spend. This is about... um... about...

Whatever. I'll figure that out later.

Right now...let's think about what I already HAVE and make up the difference. And that's a lesson in itself, isn't it? Appreciate what you already have, and build on it. Not sure if this will lead me to UMOJA but... hey.

It's worth a shot.

And so I thought about it. What do I ALREADY have that I'm not appreciating?

Wait a second! That candle holder I have at home has seven slots! BOOM! Instant Kinara!

Way to go Groceries! Now, I just need to find candles.

(10 minutes later...) POW! I found three red and three green votive candles whose scent didn't make me wanna puke. As for the black candle? Umm... not so much. Eff it. I'll grab dark brown. Close enough.

Now...I'm sure I can use that table runner from Thanksgiving as a mat, I know I've got plenty of funky cups (thanks to one too many trips to Pier One) and now, all I need is the produce! Off to the supermarket I go and since I've got to get food to get me through Snowpocolypse 2010 anyway...this is perfect!

A few honey crisp apples, navel oranges, green bananas & corn ears later... I had my produce!

HABARI GANI BITCHES!!!

It's later...and the storm is showing it's ass, but I don't care. I am now running home with new vigor and a bag full of Kwanzaa! Museum?! Ha! We don't need no stinkin' Museum!! I have a real live Kwanzaa display...in MY home! TA-DOW!

So, I hook up the display, (BEAUTIFUL! I even added that statue of a slave I got in Brazil to give the display a little more "don't forget you came from a slave" guilt), take pictures, light that first candle, say the word "UMJOA" out loud...then "UNITY"... and wait as the spirit of Kwanzaa washed over me!

"Umm...how long can that corn stay out? Just a question"

Yup. It's coming.

Any second now, UMJOA is going RAIN DOWN in this piece! I'll have an epiphany and the lesson I learned about Unity will just spill forth like POW!

...yup. Any second now. It's coming. I could feel it.

Fifteen minutes later...

I peeled an orange from the harvest and ate it.

I got up, and feeling all sorts of defeated... walked to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich, dreading writing this note.

I'd failed. The first freakin' day, and I'd completely failed.

I jumped on FB...hoping to find some inspiration and ...fuck! Teena Marie died?!! Are you KIDDING ME?! Great. Now I feel like shit for posting that "Rick James"/Dave Chappelle "Unity" clip.

HEY! Maybe I could write about how Teena Marie united blacks and whites musically! I mean, she died on the first day of Kwanzaa! How black is THAT? And Teena Marie was an icon in the black community! How's THAT for "Umoja"?! I mean...

"This isn't about Teena Marie Nyree. Are your heart, mind and actions united?"

Wait... huh?

"Your heart, mind and actions...are they united? Or are they all making different decisions? You can't grow that way. Any unresolved issues you may have, get your heart, mind and actions on the same page in order to move forward."

Umm... OK. Well...they sorta are because...

"Do you want to stay here? Are you growing?"

Umm... no, now that you asked. And um...(heavy sigh) put that on everything.

"Then unite them. And stop bullshitting. You bullshitted all day. Take action. Real action.

Unite them. That's Umoja. Not some candles and fruit."

Now, call it God, Allah, Jehovah, Spirit, Common Sense or whatever, but THIS is the thought that came to mind. Oprah calls this a "Ah-ha" moment. I call it a "Oh-shit" moment. Whatever you call it... wherever this thought came from... it was right. My heart and mind weren't on the same page. And all the produce and candle lighting wouldn't help that. And I was bullshitting. It was absolutely right.

And so, I sat down and made a list.

Not a resolution list...but a list of all the things important to me.

Family. Friends. Relationship. Finances. Time management. Home care. Spiritual care. Health. Networking & Career.

Then I broke everything down and asked the right questions.

Is my heart in the right place with all? Is my mind? Do my actions back this up?

If not...what changes do I need to make? Do need to DO something? Get rid of somethings? People?

For example... on Christmas, my favorite nephew told me he felt like I was neglecting him. I could hear the "I miss you" in his voice and it killed me. I tried to excuse this away, but he was right. I'd been a shitty aunt, not putting in the time or connection....sacrificing for a future goal. You know...once I get THAT, THIS will get better. Forgetting that right now is the only thing that matters. Like the man that works to build an empire and all his kids want is somebody to play catch with.

I heard this from my cousin, my aunt, my mother... and damn if I didn't try to excuse it all away.

But they were all right.

So when it comes to family, my heart... check. It's definitely there. No question.

My mind...check. My actions, quite frankly...suck. That's gotta change.

And I kept going down this list till I understood where, in each category...I could use some improvement. Some... my heart. Some my mind. But overwhelmingly...my actions. All three need to unite.

And fast.

So, the first day of Kwanzaa folks...mission, as far as I'm concerned... accomplished.

Once again, Kwanzaa shocked the shit out of me by giving me a lesson I wasn't even expecting.

(And this Teena Marie shit? Man listen. That's another note...but... wow ya'll. WOW.)

Anyway...moving on.

OK KWANZAA...BRING IT! WHAT'S NEXT?

Kujichagulia (Self-Determination): To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for ourselves.

Yeah. Say that five times fast...

-Nyree

...KNOW THEIR NIA (purpose) ANYMORE. "RETURN OF KWANZAA 2010: LOST IN NEW YORK"

Did you see this shit right here? If you didn't...you NEED to.

See...let me explain what this is. This is what happens when white folk get confused about black culture and start feeling bad for us... thinking that we don't get enough exposure. They start wanting to "include" us, so they don't feel bad. White guilt is an awful thing (almost as bad as black low-self esteem) and the last thing they want is more of it.

So...somebody makes a call to The Food Network... a VP of "Diversity" or some shit panics because he doesn't want Al Sharpton's ass coming down on them, meetings happen...meetings happen...meetings happen... Sandra's producers get a call, a few phallic candles on a big brown ball with some nuts (I just said a lot there...)and VOILA! The fucking Kwanzaa Cake.***

**BTW, this was explained to me by a white dude, who sometimes, hates everything about white privilege until it's hailing in December...sometime around midnight... and it's him and Jamal Jackson on the same corner trying to hail a cab. And you know what...I ain't mad at him.***

And don't give me that look. I tried. You KNOW I tried.

(See the KWANZAA 2009 posts that precedes this one...re-posted for your reading pleasure.)

I mean, this year, even after all I went through, still not thinking Kwanzaa was worth the produce, I made the effort.

Whenever a co-worker asked, "So...what are you doing for the holiday break?" My typical response was... "Ahh...nothing huge. Just family. Staying home...everyone lives here, so no traveling..."

And that's when I'd force myself to say...

"And I'm doing Kwanzaa this year....again."

And that's when they'd all give me this "I don't want to offend her, but I have no idea what the hell that means" sing-songy "Ohhhh...." /half ass smile/nod.

Sometimes, I'd offer that I hate it. Other times...(those times being, if I suspected that person of having an arsenal of nigger jokes they whip out at Christmas over the Nog...) I get really asshole-ish.

"Yeah, you know, Kujichagalia is at my place...and it all begins the day after Christmas, so it's like...no break at all, you know? Lots of produce to buy...and all those APPLES!"
And still...they nod politely. (Ha! God bless em, everyone.)

And look, I'm not making fun of them. I think it's awesome that they don't want to offend me, but I know they think it's bullshit. And yes, even after all I've been through....so do I.

However...I have to do it again. HAVE to. Why?

The fucking Kwanzaa Cake. It's whole existence is... is...


(Heavy sigh)..my friends, it's Miss Millie throwing you a bone. She's telling you it's alright...you can have the whole day wit your chillens. THE WHOLE DAY."Just have your black ass at work on the 3rd. And go easy on the Egyptian Musk, or whatever you people use..."

THIS is all your fault. See...I did my part.

I wanted nothing to do with this holiday, yet, decided to embrace it.
I started off by giving suggestions on how to make it better.

I chronicled.

I made friends.

I made enemies.

I learned some things about myself and still...STILL...I find myself celebrating alone with a hearty "Good luck Nye! Can't wait to read it!"

But that's not how it was supposed to work.

I thought the point of this thing was to get you guys excited about the Ngumo...um...Ngumby... (google... google...google...) the NGUZO SABA (I knew that). So I sorta feel like I failed.

I mean, I'M not even excited. How in the hell are YOU going to be? So that's when I decided to try it again this year, motivated by absurdity of The Kwanzaa Cake (I voted for your hubby Sandra Lee...but seriously? SERIOUSLY?) and this year's major missteps in our culture (IE: Eddie Long, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, The Basketball Wives, Brandy and Ray J (hell...the whole VH1 line up), For Colored Girls, Antoine Dodson making dough off his sisters' near rape while simultaneously making blackface OK for thousands.

I mean, how did we go from the first, incredibly hot black president to THIS?

Oh my people...dare I say it.

We may just need Kwanzaa... now, more than ever.

And I am more than willing to bring it to you.

As soon as I can figure out what the hell it is...again.


When I Google Kwanzaa I get the big Kwanzaa fest in NYC .... and sure, I did that the last time, but I'll be honest. I totally half assed it. I got there at the back end...all snide and snarky. Not really diving into the performances or talking to the participants.

THAT, my friends, is going to change.

So will all of the other Nug..... NS's. THIS time, I'm going to be as serious as I can be. Full Kwanzaa status. I'm getting the candles. I'm getting the fruit. I'm getting the mat. I'm gonna reflect. This is gonna be awesome...

Or a miserable failure and a waste of vacation. EITHER WAY...somebody's gotta do it.

Why?

Because the bullshit that's going on this year is what happens when we lose touch and somebody's got to help bring us back.

Not going to lie... I'm also doing it for myself. A bit of an "Eat, Pray, Love" for myself and my peoples...because this year... I dunno about ya'll. I really don't. However, if you want to make the world a different place, take a look at yourself and then make the change. (Sorry. Way too much Michael Jackson - The Experience.)

So, just as I did last year, I'll be chronicling each day. Feel free to follow along in person...or vicariously. (I'll let you know where I'll be)

Either way...this Kwanzaa shit is getting handled.

Or my name isn't Miss Sophia.

(Wait...what?)

KWANZAA: What's The Nia? (Purpose) - The Original Kwanzaa Saga

I'm celebrating Kwanzaa this year. Not because I want to , but because my Mom told me not to knock anything till I've tried it. I'm trying to grow as a person. Don't judge me. She also told me that if I don't have anything nice to say... don't say anything at all. (Uh.. yeah. )

However...

I really...really..REALLY don't like Kwanzaa. Really.

And let me tell you why. (I don't listen to my mother...btw.)

Now, don't get me wrong... I appreciate what Dr. Karenga tried to do when he created Kwanzaa and all. You know..love yourself, love your brother, light some candles and whatnot...but COME ON! Kwanzaa has some SERIOUS flaws.

For starters... it's not a user-friendly reflective holiday at. effin. all.

Now, I consider myself a pretty intelligent woman, but seriously, that shit is WAY too complicated. Here's what I mean.

You see...Christmas is simple.

Shop. Open gifts on Dec. 25th. Front like a jolly old fat dude bought 'em. Pray. (Maybe...) Done.

Ramadan? Pray and starve. Done.

Hanukkah? Eight nights of not-Christmas-gifts, light candles, spin a dreydl.

But OH NO. Not us. We gotta be different. And in our efforts to be different, we bit off of everyone else and "CREATED" the most complicated fuckin' holiday EVER. And it came out of the freakin' clear blue sky!

One year, you were just celebrating Christmas and the next year, somebody spread the "Kwanzaa" rumor like a clip of Beyonce falling on the internet. The next thing I know, people are scrambling for corn stalks and dashikis.

OK. I need to say that I love being black. I'm extremely proud of my heritage and the incredible accomplishments of my people. We have overcome. So just so you don't think I'm just being a self-hating jerk, let's take a good look into what it takes to celebrate this holiday properly, shall we?

First..you gotta get the props.

This includes: Candle Holder (kinara), Candles (three red, three green and one black ), some corn and other assorted produce, a mat, a cup, a flag, some books, and poster that actually LISTS the seven principles of Kwanzaa.

(Yes. There are seven. I bet you can only name two. One..cuz she was in "Love Jones", the other cuz you got a baby cousin somewhere with the same name. Come on. Admit it.)

Now, once you get your props and your instruction poster...you gotta get your entire family to come home every night for 7 days, dress up in traditional African garb, and run down the principles...not to mention a special greeting to recite every night.

...But that's not gonna be easy either. Because everything is in SWAHILI!!! Most of us have yet to master proper English...much less Swahili. (Cousin that still says "scrimps" ring a bell?)

Then, to top it all off... you get suckered into buying gifts...for seven days!

... Which sounds like it could be expensive...but it's not going to be. Because these gifts have to be enlightening gifts. Something to feed your mind, body and soul.

So what do we do? That's right. We go to the Kwanzaa Expo in the Jacob Javitz Center and buy up copies of Zane's "Juicy Bootie" for everyone we love because it'll make them READ. (Umm...I ask you...exactly how is this uplifting the race?)

Speaking of race...the only people that can celebrate this are African Americans? Huh? What kind of bullshit is that? Now with all the other holidays, if you want to join in, knock yourself out! But Kwanzaa is an exclusive celebration for black folk and that leaves all my other friends left out (and the jokes are crazy), which is, to me, the very problem.

I don't NEED to hear about black history, the Trans-Atlantic slave trade and reversing the negative stereotypes about black folk. Hell... I live it every day! You are preaching to the choir. How about focusing on my Irish/German friend (don't worry, I won't shout you out) who had no idea who Alvin Ailey was. She might just need a little help. Or the one that thinks we still drink Ripple. (I'm working on him.) Or the ones that still think we are superior in the sexual organ department. (OK. We are. But still.) Can we include them? You know...make it our mission to maybe to bring them to over to our Grandma's house for some soul food. Introduce them to a real life "Jamal" or "Shaniqua" (I know four of them) and eliminate some of this media induced fear? I know, it's idealistic, but damn...we gotta start somewhere.

And finally...the most important reason why this holiday sucks is...WHERE'S THE MUSIC?!

How is this gonna be a African-American holiday...WITH NO SONGS? Nothing! No Neo. No John Legend. No Kanye West track...NOTHIN. (OK. To be fair...we have some attempts...but um...let me put it this way. They suck. )

Kwanzaa songs are the single worst African-American created musical genre of ALL TIME. (And that's saying a lot, cuz Crunk is pretty freakin' bad.) I mean, even Stevie Wonder's Kwanzaa song sucked! You hear me? STEVIE WONDER. He took "Isn't She Lovely", put some eff'd up robotic voice over it and sang "Haaapy Kwanzaa." Teddy Pendergrass tried too..and it's actually pretty snazzy. (But Teddy just makes you sad, doesn't he?)

So...since I don't bitch without solution, I propose we fix Kwanzaa by borrowing from of the more practiced holidays.

1) Keep the name (it's catchy and fun to say. Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa...), but change the seven "Nguzo Saba"'s to ENGLISH. We might be interested in practicing Kujichagulia if we knew what the hell it meant.

2) Keep the candles...but pick ONE color, and lose the rest of the props. It's gaudy. Seriously. Besides...if you have "pets" (intentional or poverty imposed), the "produce out for several days" thing is NOT gonna fly.

3) Gifts on ONE day. Preferably, New Years Eve. Keep the feast that day too...it'll help to suck up all that booze ur about to consume.

4) Get Common, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, Kindred, Floetry, India Arie (and every other "happy to be nappy" artist without a dance routine) to do a "We Are The World" type collabo that'll make people WANNA sing that joint every year.

and finally...

5) Get either BET or TV One to do an annual "Kwanzaa Show" starring every hot act of the year...on New Years. Somebody's got to take over Dick Clark's spot. Ratings. Ratings. Ratings.


So there. I said it. (That wasn't too bad, right Mom?)

But remember, at the end of this week, after practicing my very first Kwanzaa, I might just take it all back. And if I do, I will write a personal apology to Dr. Karenga and all of you that just de-friended me after this. Pinkie swear.

KWANZAA DAY 1: Nyree Emory And The First Nguzo Saba

Day 1: Umoja (Unity)
To strive for an maintain unity in the family, community, nation and race.

Sigh...I can't believe I'm doing this. This is bullshit.

So, reluctantly, I decide to light a candle and say a little prayer yesterday.
I dedicate the day to the first principle "Umoja". Unity.

But I can't stop giggling, because all I can think of is that Dave Chappelle "Rick James" sketch. Remember when Rick punched Charlie Murphy in the forehead with his "Unity" ring? POW! UNITY!!!

So yeah. Unity. Let's see... What can I do to maintain unity in my family, community, nation? Shit! This is daunting as hell! The NATION? I gotta unite THE NATION? Isn't that why I elected Obama? Shouldn't that take care of things? Don't I get a free pass for this one?

Sigh...

Well first things first I suppose. Identify the lack of unity in my own life. OK. Uh... easy.

I had a falling out with one of the closest people to me. Like...a huge one.

Yikes. Do I want to own that though? I mean...that sorta hurts...and it's embarrassing and can't we just forget about it and move on to the next thing? I've done so much good since then... can't I just send a card or something?

("...What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!")

Heavy sigh. Yeah. I gotta own it. Because I was wrong and I guess in healing my nation...I gotta start with me. (Thus says all my S.C. teaching...)

So I see the yellow bricks... this is the clearly the road I'm supposed to ease on down. Staring at it won't get the journey started ...starts with one step I guess. And now I'm M.J. as the Scarecrow...trying to steady my shaky, rubbery legs taking my first steps on the path. (Why are those damn cabs always off duty? Heavy sigh...)

(Ease on...)

Me: "Hey..."

"Hey."

(Ease on...)

Me: "Busy today?"

"No."

(..Don't you carry nothin'...)

Me: "Uh...Wanna ... go out? Grab a movie or something and talk?"

"Sure. What do you want to see?"

(...That might be a load...)


Me: "Really?! Oh. Uh...Umm...your choice."

(...Come on ease on down...ease on down the road...)


And you know what? It really wasn't that bad. I mean, awkward at first. Very awkward.
The veil of a ruined but familiar friendship cloaked everything for a while, but after a good movie, sushi, sake and some real talk...things don't seem as bad as they did.

And we're sure not as close as we were, and may never be, but at least I'm on the road.

So what does this have to do with Kwanzaa aside from the fact that we're both black? Not a fucking thing. I think this is just about being a human adult. Owning up to your bullshit and making amends.

So I thank the first principle for pushing me into it, but why black people should own this alone is beyond me.

Or maybe I'm doing it wrong. Which is highly likely.

Oh. I almost forgot! The props!

Well...I got ate a tangerine, lit a candle, thought about burning some incense and wearing some oil but didn't because I didn't want to attract other Kwanzaaians who might smell it and want to have a deep discussion about it. Then I'd just be exposed as a fraud (and the Pan-African set really doesn't feel my light eyed, curly haired ass as is. Hell. I don't even know the proper Pan-African greeting. Hotep? or something...right? )

Oh. I kept my hair in a fro today. I think that's enough ritual for me.

Next up...Kujichagulia (Self-Determination)
:To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves.

Great. This just isn't going to get easier...is it?

Ease on...

KWANZAA DAY 2: The Kujichagulia Strikes Back

Sure, I got a little backlash from this and I probably deserved (some of) it but I also got some encouragement so hey...I'm not the only one who felt this way. And alright already with the "Harari Gani" text messages! I get it, you've got my back... I feel the love. And I'm giving it right back. But for those of you that don't know...um...I don't really care. This isn't about you. I'm a rebel! A maverick! A cowboy! I drink Colt 45 and fight with Jedi's, but I'm not one of 'em. I'm... I'm... Lando.

"Harari Gani Sweet Thang"

OK. So Day 2...

Kujichagulia (koo-jee-cha-goo-LEE-ah) Self-Determination

To define and name ourselves. To create and speak for ourselves, instead of having others defining, or determining our paths or SELVES.

Affirmation:

I will have the time, the ability, energy and determination to do all that is set before me.

You know what this said to me? Nothing that I don't already know, but I guess I had to re-affirm this. So...

I lit a candle and thought on this one. Really thought on this and decided to break it down. Why try to swallow this monster whole?

I will have the time...

Yeah, uh... I think that a matter of perspective. Time. What do I waste time doing where I could be doing something else? Besides Facebook. (And for all you who are experiencing FB Guilt, I say cut it out! Did your parents have 273 cyber-friends at our age? Were they making more friends? Uh...NOPE. They knew ONE person other than their spouses and families. (Some widow named "Gretta" in apt. 4B or something... ) Be thankful!)

Let's see...time. I know. I...uh... work. A lot. Too much.

(But compared to my mother who worked the same booth for 30 years in a Post Office in the Bronx, what I do on my job is a vacation, so I can't complain. Ever. )

I also...uh... read. Watch a lot of movies. A LOT of movies...and read. Internet surf. Play with my iPhone. Practice the "Single Ladies" dance once a week, go to the gym...

And I write. A lot. I mean, a stupid amount. I've got three blogs, I'm mid-novel (who isn't?), mid-epic screenplay and responsible for a bunch of draft notes you will NEVER see. (It's better this way. If some thought the Kwanzaa thing was offensive, you have NO idea.)

But I don't feel as if I'm wasting "time"...I guess that's the point. I think I'm doing exactly what I should be doing, when I should be doing it.

I'm not "holding on to the shore", watching people wave as they float past in rafts. I honestly feel as if I'm in my own inner-tube, lazily floating, letting the river take me where I'm supposed to go... taking a look around...dragging my hand in the water. And if you pass me in a yacht...good for you! Do the damn thing! As for me, I'm just really digging the feel of the water against my toes...

As for the "ability, energy and determination"... uh...check, check and check. Never felt lacking in any of those.

So how in the hell am I supposed to Kujichagulia if I've got nothing to really Kujichagulia about?

So since I didn't want to be an asshole about this about it... I asked around.

"Is there something I should be doing now that I'm not doing because I'm wasting time? Is there something I should be focusing on?"

Don't ever ask your parents this question.

The answer? My parents are leaning hard on the "settle down and drop a baby" front, but honestly, that's everybody else's clock, not mine. (Is it too much to have impossibly high standards? Huh Parents? Like, umm... not dating someone that's already living with someone/engaged/married/ on the D.L. for starters?)

"Just have a baby before I turn 70 please..." my Mom stresses. (To be read as, "I'm not babysitting a damn thing after that. You've got 7 years. Get crackin'".) But honestly, I think she just wants me knocked up so I can get a little payback for what she went through. (Hi Hater!)

And I actually started to feel a little bad about this for a minute. I started dwelling and thinking on (gasp!) settling and compiling my "Break Glass In Case Of Emergency" Settle-Down list when... a light bulb/saber went off. The second part part of Kujichagulia...


"...instead of having others defining, or determining our paths or SELVES."


Back to Lando.

Think he didn't want to just keep swindling dudes, sippin' Colt 45 and getting laid by pretty green female aliens? Of course he did. That's what everyone EXPECTED him to do. But that wasn't for him. The time came and he determined his own path. (OK, fine. I refer to "The Wiz" and "Star Wars" a lot because 1) I'm a girl and 2) I'm a geek. So you'll just have to give me that.)

Knowing who you are and where you're going is pretty damn important. Even more important, choosing your own path...when you're ready...and nobody elses. So yeah. I think I successfully completed day 2.

I'm on the right path, self defined and sipping a nice, tall, cool can of ... Tangerine Izze. (Because seriously Billy Dee, that shit is nasty.)

Not bad. That was easy. Off to day three which is...

Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility):

To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and sister's problems our problems and to solve them together.


Dang. As in a Nino Brown-esque "Am I my brother's keeper..."? Wow. It's really not going to get any easier...is it?

Rock-a-bye-baby....

KWANZAA DAY 3: Ujima...The Third Day Is A Charm...(That'll Cost You $10)

By this time, I'm fully aware that some of you are celebrating Kwanzaa vicariously through these notes and you know what? I'm just not mad atcha. I'd probably do the same thing had I not already committed to this.

(Uh..I'm not good with commitment...but that's a whole other note.)

Anyway...where were we? Oh. Yesterday was...

Ujima (oo-JEE-mah): Collective work and responsibility
To build and maintain your community together. To work together to help one another within your community.


So I believe if you change your thinking, you change your world and I realize that I've been shitting on Kwanzaa from the very beginning, which is sorta unfair.

When you look back, the first two days weren't exactly painful, however, they also didn't provide any reason to justify this holiday or make me want to do this again next year. However, that was only two days. There are five more principles to go...and who knows what could happen? Who knows? Right? RIGHT?! (If I get hype...maybe you will...)

Not sure if you guys read it, but one of my FB friends broke down the spirit of Kwanzaa in a note and suggested that I find some Kwanzaa-like activities in an effort to stop being such an cynic (to be read "asshole") about this and find some real meaning. Now, I said I was trying to be a better person, so I accepted the challenge. Right after service, I'd hop on my iPhone and find the hottest Kwanzaa event in New York City. Stat.

So anyway, I'm at service and the "Announce the Notes" guy reminds everyone that the try outs for the Gospel Choir will be next Sunday.

Oh. Crap. NEXT Sunday huh?

This news sorta scares the shit out of me because I was SURE the try outs were today and since I hadn't prepared...I couldn't try out! Best excuse for chickening out of an audition EVER. But they moved it...so now I have to try out. I said I would, something inside me said I should...and now it's been moved...so I HAVE to. Or maybe I don't. I mean, I'm already IN a choir, do I need another? Probably not. (Don't worry...you'll see where I'm going with this.)

Anyway...

(Insert service montage here. Sing... hold hands...pray...sing...sing...message...sing...offering...pray...sing...hold hands... we're out.)

I'm speed-walking out of service like I stole something, hoping my speed will make me forget that I'm supposed to be signing up for something. So, yeah...I'm bolting towards the door, feeling all refreshed and "more enlightened than thou", and above all the bustle you heeeeeearrr....

"GOSPEL CHOIR TRY OUTS?! GOSPEL CHOIR TRY OUTS?! SIGN UP HERE... "

I turn to look at dude behind the sign-up table, because it sounds like he's shouting directly at me. With a bullhorn. Flushed against my right ear. But he's not. It's just his very loud voice carrying over all the worshippers, letting me know he's GOT to be the choir director with a audible reach like that. Well, there's that and he looks very...uh...choir director. (Wink..wink.)

He's holding out a clip board, smiling and making the signature-flourish-in-the-air gesture. Jeez. Thanks, I think, looking up in the air. I get the hint.

I walk over with the smirk of a person that's been busted, take his (theft worthy) pen and sign up. He thanks me and tells me how much trouble he's been having getting people to sign up (thus the movement of the try out date) , how desperate they are...and how much of a (wait for it...wait for it...) HELP I am to the choir community!

BAM! I have just helped BUILD a choir by signing up! I will help MAINTAIN it by using my voice TOGETHER with others. It's not even 1pm and I've already Ujima'd! GET IT NYE! (Do ya dance...do ya..dance... Now walk it round ya'self...now walk it round ya'self....!)

Nevermind that I don't have a song prepared, he tells me. They're taking ANYONE, and they really need a pretty face like mine. (Record scratch.) Umm. OoooKaaay. What does a pretty face have to do with singing? Aww damn. I can see where this is going...

"Shut up and mouth the words Dollface..."

"But I really CAN sing..."

"Whatever. Wear your hair out. You look better that way. Do you have a tighter sweater?"

OK fine. I'm exaggerating, but damn. Dude just assumed I couldn't sing and now, all the triumph of the moment has been zapped out of me. I don't think I just Ujima'd. Somehow, this just un-Ujima'd me. Let's try again.

Off to The American Museum Of Natural History. A few quick stops, a corporate museum comp later and I'm in there! "Kwanzaa Fest 2008!"

It's not being held in a bullshit part of the museum either...it's in the Milstein Family Hall of Ocean Life! (You know, the room with the big blue whale?) DOPE! I can't wait...I'm so psyched. I'm sure to...(uh... wait...where are my notes...)To build and maintain my community together. Yes! All that! My community is HERE! Look at all these black people in the Museum and it's not a class trip! And look! There are some Asians and White folk here too! THIS IS AWESOME... till I overhear...

"I don't know Jeff. Looks like some sort of Kwanzaa thing."

" Look... I don't care. I just wanted to see the whale. Come on guys...Jenna, get the kids..let's go. It's too crowded."

Whatever. Peace Jeff. I'm here to get some Kwanzaa in me and find out the true meaning of the thing.

LOOK...they're selling African-ish looking jewlery! Very Kwanzaa! Well I'm sure I'll find someone to talk to about this at the next table.

Nope. Art.

Clothing.

Books.

"Excuse me, where is the Kwanzaa information table?" I ask one guy who is clearly way more connected to the Mother Land than I am (thus saith his clothes/locks/oil).

He shrugs. Annoyed.

"Well, can you tell me a little about Kwanzaa?"

He's even more annoyed.

"Huh? This is Kwanzaa." he informs me, gesturing at the space... as if I he couldn't believe how stupid I was. I don't know why I expected him to sound like James Earl Jones and not Kool Moe Dee.

I tell him I know where I am, and I just wanted to find out more about it. That's when he looks at his magnets on his table and smiles. One of them pictures a Kinara and "Kwanzaa 2008". OK. I thank him and move on.

Any attempt to talk to people about Kwanzaa is failing miserably. People are selling items and/or getting ready for presentations. No time. You should have done more research.

BUT I HAVE! I mean..I AM! Right now! That's why I'm here! Where is the "History of Kwanzaa" quiet booth where Dr. Maya Angelou or Morgan Freeman breaks it down in narration and makes you feel all warm an fuzzy about being black?

I got an Alvin Ailey poster (hot!) but nothing on Kwanzaa..not even at the "Kwanzaa" table. And NO sign of Barack anywhere...until the end where I saw a table with hats and tee-shirts for sale.

So I left and came home pretty deflated knowing that I'm going to have to go with the choir sign-up as my "Ujima". Which, if you think about it, ain't too bad. Signing up to help a community is one thing, but you never know who you'll help as a result...right?

I'm losing steam here guys...can't lie, but I'll keep going. Next up...

Ujamaa (oo-jah-MAH): Collective economics
To build, maintain, and support our own stores, establishments, and businesses.


Oh...that's easy. Harlem...here I come!

KWANZAA DAY 4: Ujamaa, Good Skin and The World At War

The pretty West-African store owner with the amazing skin laughed at me when I asked her if she celebrated Kwanzaa. I just wanted to get that off my chest before I went any further.

Ok...here we go....

Ujamaa (oo-jah-MAH): Collective economics
To build, maintain, and support our own stores, establishments, and businesses.


"Quit playing games with my heart... with my heart... with my heart..."

Wait a minute. Did I just walk into an African store that's rocking the sugary pop sounds of...The Backstreet Boys?

Why yes. Yes I did. And it wasn't just a song on the radio, I spotted the CD case right next to the stereo system. But then again, what did I expect? A drum trio in the corner? The Graceland dancers?

I smiled at the only woman in the shop, who was preoccupied with braiding hair and looking as if nothing could bore her more. She mouthed the words to the song and finally looked at me... with indifference. It's not an offensive indifference. Actually, it's pretty damn familiar. It's the way my grandmother would look at me if I walked into the kitchen while she was doing my sister's hair. Like... "Well?"

All that phony pleasantry crap that we have to learn in order not to startle thinner skins is sorta thrown out the window when blacks/African women approach each other. The tone is harsher. Realer. Sorta like, come on now! You know me and I know you. Do we have to play this "Can I help you?" game?

Now, I'm supposed to ask a question about something...but I'm not sure what to ask. She doesn't wait for me to figure it out. She goes on braiding and humming the intro to the next song.

"How much for double strand twists?" I ask with a smile, unaware until that very moment I wanted my hair braided.

"One hundred and thirty...with hair." she answers. OH SHIT! REALLY?! I know damn well I've seen it at uppity Neo-Soul spots in Brooklyn for five times as much. AND she's providing the hair!? Shut up!

"Well what if I provide the hair?," ...in case yours is crappy?

"One hundred." she replies. It'll take five to six hours (whoa...) and I do the math. $20 an hour. I ask where she is from and can't understand her. Knowing this, she follows up with "West Africa". I don't tell her about my DNA test thing.

"Do you have any Kwanzaa...uh..things here?" I ask.

Is she laughing at me? No. She's suppressing a laugh.

"No. Kwanzaa all sold out. Think there is a cup over there." she points her chin to a table, still smirking.

"You don't celebrate Kwanzaa, do you?" I ask. She smiles.

"I am African. I am already African. I already know that and still, I come here. You understand?"

Sorta.

A guy comes in and starts talking to her. He's dropping off a package and they exchange greetings...in FRENCH. Whoa...whoa. No Swahilli? What's this "Merci" shit?

Not only can this woman speak two languages (that I'm aware of) but she's living in a foreign country, established her own business there, and can braid hair. WELL. She's waaay ahead of the game. Got her life together like you wouldn't believe and some would just see her as "The African Lady That Braids Hair."

I promise to come back at the end of the week (because my hair can use the much needed break double-strand twists will provide) and bid her farewell.

But I didn't exactly Ujamaa. I didn't buy anything yet, I only made a promise.

Now, I said I was going to Harlem, but that's too easy and that's not my community. I don't live in Harlem. I live in The Bronx and I'm guessing that going to Harlem for "black stuff" is part of the problem. If we supported it where we lived, there'd be more...uh..."black stuff" cropping up around us.

So I decided to visit Mustafah from Senegal.

I hoof it a full train stop and a half to Target and there he is... his tables overflowing with imported products. Mostly incense, oils... the good stuff. (Not that cheap shit you find in bodegas.) The key to his business is...he never runs out of your favorites and he always puts you on to something new. The neighborhood favorite is his natural potpourri. Beautiful colored rocks fragranced with oil. Women buy it by the pound every week.

I buy two tubs of 100% Shea Butter, wish him warmth and a happy new year, and make my way home. (I'm so thankful that he still sets up shop...even in the winter. I wonder if he'll ever have his own store.)

I keep walking, see a brother out there selling $5 scarfs. Business looks slow. I want something red so I pick that up from him and give him a smile. He smiles back in surprise. I'm guessing it might be the first of the day.

I'm about to head home when I see a game store. OK. If they have Call of Duty AND the Wii Zapper...I buy. If not, I leave with nothing.

They have both. (Shit. But this isn't exactly a black-owned business, is it? Am I cheating?)

The guy that comes out the back is Middle Eastern. I don't ask from where...I just want to know one thing....and YES, he owns the place! CLOSE ENOUGH ON MY MENTAL GLOBE! I'LL TAKE IT!


Later that night...slathered with shea butter and murdering the shit out of some Nazi's...I feel pretty good. Not only is my skin silky soft, but I'm getting my hair twisted this week and getting some good use out the Wii. Not bad...not bad at all. Hmm. Wonder if she will teach me French...

What's next?! BRING IT KWANZAA!

Nia (NEE-ah): Purpose
To restore African American people to their traditional greatness. To be responsible to Those Who Came Before (our ancestors) and to Those Who Will Follow (our descendants).



...fuck.

KWANZAA DAY 5: Nia. Long.

This one...was a bitch.

Nia (NEE-ah): Purpose
To restore African American people to their traditional greatness. To be responsible to Those Who Came Before (our ancestors) and to Those Who Will Follow (our descendants).


I mean...what in the hell am I supposed to DO for this? What does that mean..."restore African American people to their traditional greatness"? In what context?

This is sorta like that part in (insert any movie here) where the ghost/spirit/mystical figure says some cryptic shit like, well... "Restore African American people to their traditional greatness"...and when (insert bankable Hollywood star here) yells in frustration..."What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?!” the figure fades into nothing, leaving our star standing there looking stupid.

It's usually at this time in the movie when the phone rings...moving the story forward.

In my case, it was a text from my friend "A". He volunteers monthly with "The Momentum Project", one of New York City's largest organizations providing support and service to those living with HIV/AIDS. (Yeah, A's a unicorn ladies. My best friend and I plot weekly to knock off his mean-as-hell girlfriend. Pinky and The Brain style.)

He asks if I want to help hand out bags at a food pantry later on and BAM! There's my Nia! It's gotta be, right? I mean, why else would I get this offer out of the clear blue? You damn right I want to help A! 5pm? No problem!

But first things first. I have to do laundry. HAVE to. I mean, it's DefCon-5 type of laundry. The kind of build up when you're down to assorted items you wouldn't be caught dead in.

Case in point: "Special" thongs that are only meant to be worn for an hour, stretched out brown bra with a massive tear on the side, ill fitting expensive jeans I hate, but won't toss because I'll need to wear them the next time this happens and a Big Bird colored yellow sweater. No socks.

That kind of build up.

I have four bags, but I'm not going into "how did this happen." Let's just say, this task lasts for hours. I mean, FOUR HOURS. But that's cool. I've got my Nia covered. No need to panic.

So I take my time devouring my chick-lit novel, folding fitted sheets that eventually will end up in a frustrated ball no matter how easy Martha Steward says it is, and rediscovering my wardrobe. (Oh snap. I forgot I HAD this!)

Suddenly...it's 4pm. I've got one hour to be at the church and I've got four bags to get home. I'm starving and I look like shit. Ehh. Do I really feel like going? Can't I just skip this one?

As I text this as an excuse to A, I instantly began to feel like a jerk. Let's break down why.

I'm supposed to be helping the homeless with HIV/AIDS and I can't because my problem is...

I've got four bags of CLEAN clothes I've got to take HOME. I'm HUNGRY so I have to go HOME and EAT and I LOOK like shit.

Sigh...but if I don't, I have this sinking feeling I'm not going to fulfill my Nia. I look up the meaning again.

"To restore African American people to their traditional greatness. To be responsible to Those Who Came Before (our ancestors) and to Those Who Will Follow (our descendants)."

To be responsible. Hmm.

A texts back: Don't worry about it. It's over by 7pm anyway.

Whoa. I'm responsible for getting my ass to that church. I'm responsible for helping these people out...hustle Nye. Hustle.

I get home, wash down some chicken with a glass of apple cider, change clothes (Come on. You gottta give me that. What if I got in an accident? How would I explain purple thongs and a raggedy bra?), and I'm out the door.

............


A and I are in the main church. It's dark. It's quiet. We're alone.

We've just handed out countless bags of food and are both feeling pretty good about ourselves, so we snuck inside to reflect on our good deeds. I contemplate telling him why I accepted his offer. He's been getting on me every year about celebrating Kwanzaa and I know he'd be overjoyed, however, I've decide to keep this from him till I'm done. I don't know why.

"This place looks really modern." I whisper, marveling at the recessed lighting over the pews. "It's odd to see Catholicism look so...I dunno, new. "

"Yeah. I go to service here sometimes. I took my communion here." he says. And we both get quiet again. Not uncomfortable. Just...content.

Don't worry guys. I fully realize I'm fresh off of a chick-lit novel and this would definitely be a scene in a real life one...if we had any inkling of anything other than friendship towards each other. We don't. Operation "Boot the Bitch" is strictly to get him with my best friend, but that's another note altogether.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I belt out to test the acoustics. He laughs.

Satisfied with the sound, I sing a scale.

"SNOOOW...UP....TOOO...MY...KNEEEEEES...."

We let the end of "KEEEEESS..." reverb a bit, and after a while, leave the church in peace.


We chat about various things, I politely ask about his own personal Devil Wearing Prada. She's fine. He plans on cooking her dinner for the New Year and chillin. All he asks is that she picks up the wine. Sounds fair, but we both know Selfish: The Raging Bitchzilla won't do it. He teases me about my love life and vows to get me married to one of his straggling frat brothers by 2010.

"You first." I smirk. He quickly changes the subject as I knew he would. The thought of spending a catholic eternity with Little Miss Drama-pants is just too much to digest during the holiday season. I mention my best friend's name for no reason at all. Just to see if he still lights up when I do. He does. Great. Just checking.

"Would you mind meeting up with my sister? I just have to give her something for my Dad."

Why not?

His sister is just adorable. Twenty years old, cute, with a college social life in full swing. She's just as joyful and positive as he is. She's the kind of giggling ball of happiness that's instantly contagious. She makes you want to hug her for no reason at all. I can't stop smiling at her, and silently hope she never falls in love with the wrong guy.

Big brother gives her something important to take to their father, compliments her, dotes on her, lets her know she's loved and protected. It's a beautiful thing to watch and I realize that dude just Nia'd right in front of me. He took care of his baby sister and his father in one shot. What really blows me away is... he wasn't even trying.

We send her on her way and head to Trader Joes on 14th for some Proseco and appetizers (Champagne is for Mimosas the next day we've long ago declared). We share a train uptown and part ways, wishing the other a great New Years and I thank him for just being awesome.

Then I call my best friend (...and I plant A's name... for no reason at all. ; )

Then I call my own sister and tell her I love her. And wish her a happy 40th (FUCKING OUCH!) birthday.


Then I open a bottle of Two Buck Chuck and watch Gladiator. (ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?)
I'm hoping the cheap Chardonnay will help me to forget that I didn't really Nia today.

I watched on the sidelines as somebody else Nia'd the shit out of today.

I was a Nia sidekick. I half Nia'd.

Damn. I Sommore'd.

(But if you squint and finish the rest of this bottle, it'll look a LOT like Nia.)

OK Kwanzaa. You've got to give me a break. What's next?

Kuumba (Creativity)
To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

Ok...

KWANZAA DAY 6: How Nyree Got Her Kuumba Back

See kids? This is what happens when you get cocky.

Kuumba (Creativity)
To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

I got stuck.

I fucking KNEW this was going to happen! On the one principle that I knew DAMN well I could handle with my eyes closed... suddenly, I sit down to my computer to write something fantastic...something incredibly Kuumba-like, and I turn to creative iron.

I..can't..move..my...arms...

Nothing...and I mean NOTHING would come out.

Ughh. If I hated Kwanzaa before, I REALLY hated it now.

Kwanzaa has managed to have the last laugh. Kwanzaa gave me writers block thus making it impossible for me to complete Kwanzaa. Oh...the irony.

And believe me...I tried.

I refused to open the novel I'm working on because I knew damn well I had nothing mind-blowing to add to it. (Fear.)

I also refused to open the screenplay I've been working on (or as I like to call it, the screenplay formerly known as a novel). I was stuck there as well and I had no gift to bring. Ba-rump-ba-bum-bum.

So what should I do? I HAD to get through Kwanzaa. I mean, now it's just about principal. (Well, not THE principle...I mean... (teeth suck) you know what I mean.)

Anyway, I decided to calm down. Got still for a minute and then, after a minute or two in the bathroom (think tank... ha-ha.) it came to me. But not exactly how I thought it would.

An inner voice told me to do something that made no damn sense.

It's something I don't mind doing, actually, I really enjoy doing...but couldn't really figure out how this was going to help me Kuumba.

(Another teeth suck.) Whatever inner voice. That's just dumb. What I NEED to do is sit my ass in front of my iMac until I get another chapter down thank you very much.

And with that, I tried to dismiss the thought again but it came back. It smacked me upside the head with the wedding-ring hand. (Remember that? OUCH. Why couldn't she ever knock you upside the head with the other hand? )

Hours passed. No Kummba. Just a blinking cursor. And there the word was again. Right in the front of my mind...

Inner voice: BAKE.

Yeah. OK. Whatever. Bake.

Inner voice: And don't just bake anything Nye. Bake a cake. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting. If you bake it...it will come.

Sigh. I know what you're thinking.

Who the hell bakes a cake on New Years Eve? I'm supposed to be deep conditioning my hair, prepping it for a festive curly fro. I'm supposed to be chilling pre-party Prosecco, putting on the good drawers, sliding on the heels, practicing the dramatic smokey eye, locking down my final plans for later on so when the clock strikes midnight, I'd be at the right place, at the right time, with no regrets and looking, smelling, feeling... head to toe...the fucking shit.
Just like... like...

uh... never.

Ever.

And that's when it dawns on me.

Not one year has New Year's Eve been "perfect" for me. Not one.

And believe me, it hasn't been from lack of trying.

Starting from my very first New Years away from home. (Story time boys and girls...)

...

I wore this dress that looked like... wait...let me draw it...

Artist rendering

Don't judge me. En Vogue was the shit back then and when I saw it, I damn near heard "MMMMMMMM....BOP!" in my head. Besides, my "something-Teen" body was CRAZY regardless of my strict "chicken wing & biscuit" diet. (And don't judge my parents either. When they saw the dress, they immediately made me go back into my bedroom and change. However, I just rolled it up and put the dress in my pocket. Shoot. I paid a good $60 for that dress with my own hard earned dough! I was WEARING that dress.)

Oh. One more thing. Before I launch into this story, you need to know that I had ZERO style. I only wore baggy clothes, kept my long hair in a permanent ponytail and wouldn't know what to do with mascara if you paid me. ...Then The Gays got a hold of me and got to work. (Sigh. God bless The Gays.)

So off to THE New Years party and my very first gay (that would kick off my illustrious hag career) informs me that the DJ is 1) cute as hell 2) a good friend of his and 3) hopelessly straight, to his disappointment.

"Go get him Miss Naomi..." he smiles, ordering me to do his bidding like his own personal Fem-Bot. He peels off my coat and takes a final look at his creation. (He was with me when I bought the dress. Of course he was.) He swells with pride and shoo. Go.

I strut into the DJ room. I mean, seriously. What dude could be THAT big of a deal? I remember DJ groupies parting everywhere like the Red Sea (Never underestimate the power of a gay man's ego boost. Ask Beyonce.)

I spot the table and stand right in front of it. Dress ablaze.

He's hunched over the one & twos, looking very "DJ". He's holding one side of his headphones up to his ear with his shoulder, manipulating the mixer buttons with one hand and dropping a needle with the other.

"Are you Corey?" I yell above the music. Very lady like.

DJ Corey B looks up at me, then down at the dress...smiles slowly and confirms that he most certainly is.

...And this is when my "shit-don't-stink" act totally backfires...because DJ Corey B is effn' HOT and I have not been properly prepped as to what to do next. Oh man..he's like.. 6'5, with long, muscular basketball limbs, looking like Leon...but even BETTER. Then, to seal the deal...he has the damn nerve to have THAT smile. Perfect. White. Straight. DIMPLES? Jesus.

OK. So long story short...in my mind, that night should have ended with DJ Corey B and I kissing at midnight, slow dancing to "Make It Last Forever” which would historically be "our song". We'd fall desperately in love and our children would make vomit noises whenever they saw us slow dance every New Year's Eve to Keith Sweat, recreating that magical night. See? Mommy and Daddy knew they would make you.

But what really happened is I got incredibly drunk off of Strawberry Cisco (aay..I know...) sweated my hair out dancing too hard to "South Bronx" when Brooklynites tried to get too froggy about "The Bridge" and the gay guy ditched me when he hooked up with a guy at the party.

Oh. Did I mention it had started to snow and the gay guy had my clothes at his place?

Oh. He also had my money & ID. (No pockets and no purse. Dummy move.)

I got a ride close to my neighborhood, but still had to troop it through a good portion of The Bronx on foot, in the snow, in heels...drunk off of liquid crack.

I arrived home in the dress, to a mother who was on the couch waiting for me.

Dress. Drunk. Cold. Sweated hair. Past curfew. You know what happened.

Oh. And I got the flu.



Quantum Leap through countless "Not as great as I thought they'd be" New Years Eve's and we now arrive at my neighborhood market, with our thirty-something heroine holding a box of Betty Crocker Butter Yellow Cake Mix.

Thanks a lot Kuumba.

But while I'm here...why not get some "brunch stuff"? So I do. Don't know why...but I do.

...........

Text 1: Are you coming to Brooklyn?

Me: Nah. The weather is crazy. I think I might just stay in.

Text 2: Hey..you hitting that party tonight?

Me: Nah. I'm...making a cake.

(Uh...no. Hell no. I can't admit that. Delete..delete...delete... )

Me: Nah. I'm staying in. The weather is crazy.


And so on and so forth.


So the mixer is on mid-speed, beating the shit out of the batter. (If you want to know how long four minutes is get yourself a hand mixer.)

I'm watching the churn and it's sorta hypnotic...and it takes me back to my Mom.

When she'd do this, like I'm sure every other kid did, we’d lick the beaters and the bowl when she was done. I'd get to frost the cake.

And then, we'd all eat the cake... GASP... ON NEW YEARS! Wholly shit! How did I forget that?

We had cake...and my parents would let us sip a little champagne in a paper cup. Man. We thought we were so grown up (not knowing it would knock us out in fifteen minutes). And Pop would buy noisemakers. We threw confetti at each other...and when the clock struck midnight we went apeshit. Wow. That was the best.

And suddenly, that's exactly what I wanted to do. No dress. No smokey eye. No snow. No bullshit.

I wanted to eat cake, drink Prosecco and watch the ball drop.
Then the Honeymooners. Then go to bed.

And I started to smile. Suddenly...it was back.

Inner Voice: If you bake the cake, it will come.

I sat down at my computer and thanks to that picture of the Mende mask I'd posted my sister reminded me of the DNA project I'd promised my family years ago. I'd traced our lineage back to the Mende tribe in Sierra Leone, and promised to present everyone with something they could not only own, but also pass down for generations. Something original. Creative. Beautiful.

So I started working on that and then it hit me. Oh snap.

I'd finally started to Kuumba.

Epilogue:

The cake came out great.
The Prosecco was perfect.
DJ Corey B and I dated for two wonderful months before I found out he had a girlfriend who'd just given birth to their first child.
The gay guy dropped dime on him and urged me to break it off with him. (Hater.)

As for the dress...my ex-fiancé found it. And promptly threw it away.

Happy New Year all!

KWANZAA DAY 7: IMANI - For The New Year...and Beyond

Well…I did it. I successfully finished "Kwanzaa".

Funny. I don't feel blacker. And I'm still not clear why this should only be done by blacks...but anyway...let me get into it.


Imani (Faith)
To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.


Who actually sits up and asks themselves..."What do I have faith in?"

Have you ever done this? It's a hell of a question. If you've never done this...I highly suggest you try it.

Go into your bathroom or whatever room or space brings you peace and just ask yourself.

"What do you have faith in?"

The default answer for most? "God".

Yeah...yeah. But what else? Well I asked around.

Ready for some really depressing shit?


"Nothing."

"Faith is bullshit."

“That’s the problem with black people now. All this faith and no action. Faith is a concept. Used for control.”

"What do you mean...faith? I don't understand the question."

FAITH. Damn it! FAITH. You know what FAITH means, don't you?

"...No, actually I don't. What is faith exactly?"

Good question.

I knew it had something to do with belief, but after that, my personal definition breaks down a bit. So I decided to look it up.

(Glasses on... big dictionary out...flip, flip, flip... oh wait. I can't cut and paste from a book. OoooKaayy.... log on...Google... boom.)

From Wikipedia: "Faith is a belief in the trustworthiness of an idea or person. Formal usage of the word "faith" is usually reserved for concepts of religion, as in theology, where it almost universally refers to a trusting belief in a transcendent reality, or else in a Supreme Being and said being's role in the order of transcendent, spiritual things."

Let's just stay with the informal version. Religion has a tendency to turn great people into mouth foaming hate spitters, and I'm a love muffin.

Don't spit on my muffin. (Ahem. ANYhoo...where were we?)

"...Belief in the trustworthiness of an idea or a person." This is Imani.
"To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders and the righteousness and victory of our struggle."

And I hate to bring this guy in it, because he's running the risk of Jolie-Pitt overexposure, but I have to. Damn it...he deserves it.

Before Barack Obama's run for the presidency, I'd have to say my faith tank was running pretty damn low. It was almost like the world had gone stupid and that racist grandfather (pick one) was right. You know, the one you'd been trying to ignore. The one that kept telling you, "No we can't." Damn it... he might be right.

Public figures were bringing back "Nigger" like it was aight, the mocking misuse of hip-hop slang in your face..BY THE PRESIDENT, "nappy headed ho's", uh...HURRICANE KATRINA? I mean, I pretty much started to re-learn how to hum negro spirituals again and mentally started picking out potential owners just incase G.W found a loophole to reverse slavery.

Oh. But you think I'm joking.

Man, I sat in my office and watched while corpses floated down the street. The elderly dying on the side of roads in wheelchairs. Oh...it hurt so bad I moaned ya'll. MOANED.
I cried like a baby behind a closed office door, while everyone around me tiptoed, not knowing what to say. Shit. What can you say?

My Imani was pretty much gone. After I saw that, I decided to move to Costa Rica. France. Canada. Shit...anywhere. I had a full-blown case of "TBN". "Tired of Being a Nigger". Learning a new language was better than going though the rest of my life feeling like this.


(Wait a second. Time out. I just realized, I may have to explain "TBN" for those who don't understand. Feel free to skip this part if you've already suffered through a full-blown case of TBN. I don't want to trigger a relapse.)

..........................
For my not-black friends...(hmmm...how can I say this?) "Tired of being a nigger" isn't just about being called a bad name. It's sorta hard to explain, but I'm going to try. With a little help...and some pictures.

Here's BET's list of the top 25 events that Misshaped Black America. I won't go into them in detail, but feel free to do so on your own. I encourage it. And while you're at it. Try to imagine your family living through and rising above all this...whenever you're not getting followed around the hair supply store. (HEAVY SIGH.) Ok. Here we go...

25. The Jheri Curl
(Though I would like to say, if you have curly hair and use "Let's Jam", you can be misunderstood. Just wanted to put that out there.) Keep it moist...




24. Hurricane Katrina. Wade in the water...




23. The N-Word (Yeah. They annoy me too...)



22. CoIntelPro (This was BULLSHIT...but get a bigger sharpie next time.)



21. Elvis. Our "OJ".


20. Negative Hip-Hop (Heavy sigh...)


19. Bling-Bling. Because you don't shine enough.


18. Welfare. Not just for polygamists anymore.


17. The American Prison System. There's always room for one more!


16. Light Skin Blacks vs. Dark Skin Blacks (Talkin' bout good and bad haaaaair....)


15. Ward Connerly. (Thanks Ward. Nice try though.)


14. The US Supreme Court. I'm sure they were fair.


13. Ronald Reagan/ Reaganomics. And he TOTALLY has your best interests at heart.


12. The Burning of Black Wall Street. Look into it.


11. Soul Food. Pressure on a plate.


10. Gangs. (Learn to speak "Gang" in less than one hour!)


9. Hollywood. (Wow. How'd that MFA from Yale in Fine Arts work out for you?)


8. The Deaths of Malcolm X & MLK. (Still hurts, doesn't it?)


7. Blacks that glorify stupidity. (Teeth suck.) Be THAT as it may, we still say it for the simple fact that it's fun to say.

6. The KKK. Boys in the hood.


5. Apartheid/Segregation. (Sorry. Why don't you clench and keep it movin' till you reach the bushes. This is for OUR urine.)

4. Religion. "And God says, "Niggers get to be free in Heaven later! Serve your master NOW." It says so right here...in dis here good book. In pencil. Wit, I recken a few thans crossed out. But... since Ise can't read, Massa told me what it says, bless him. And thank Jesus for him!"


3. AIDS. (Still raw-doggin' it, huh? How's that working out for you?)


2. Drugs. (Killed us. On so many levels.)


1. Slavery. (...)



As a black person, it's just... (heavy sigh...) HARD to have faith in anything when you've got all this on your back. (And more, but I'll be here all day and I've got things to do.)

Try to erase one. Just one. Try to forgive it, let it go, and see what happens. You still have at least 24...and all of them have LAYERS. Understand a little better? OK. Back to Imani....

...................

So yeah, I was losing it. And then something happened last year...

And now, I'm going to say something that is going give some a rash, but hey...it's the truth.

You know who helped me this year with my Imani big time? (I'll get to Barack and Michelle in a minute. And my nephew too... who became a single teen dad, dropped out of high school, then returned to finish, picks up his son as much as possible and is now working his way through college. Big up to you for not giving up!)

You know who else stepped up big time?

White people. Millions of 'em.

When it came to this election, whites joined forces with the rest of us and were pretty much like...fuck that!

We all got hit by rising gas and food. We all got...tired. Let's try and put this bullshit aside and get better! And tell me you weren't shocked.

Tell me when Barack won Iowa... IOWA... you didn't look at white people like... SAY WORD?!

And suddenly, they weren't all "trying to hold a brother down" and we weren't all "not fucking with them cuz they're trying to hold a brother down"...and we both moved an inch. Not a huge distance, but it was a start.

Then, just when the machine tried to put everyone back in their respective corners... here comes Barack. And he reminds all of us that we're people. The man won't deny his African roots. He won't deny his white roots. I'm American. Fuck that. Deal with it.

And when we tried to act up and say he wasn't black enough, or white enough...dude writes a speech and verbally spanks us AGAIN. "There isn't a black America or a white America... there is the United States of America". In other words, ya'll have got to get over it. Seriously.


Then he started winning...and I started to feel something that I hadn't felt since I was a kid watching "Magic Garden", hoping Paula would see me through her magic mirror...

Hope.

We might win this. We might have a black president. WE might actually overcome.

I don't have to go into it. You were there. You cried for days like a baby just like I did.

However, as soon as he was pronounced winner… something in me just…just… changed.

Geek Moment: Know that part in “The Matrix” when Neo gets shot dead by Agent Smith ...then Trinity kisses him, tells him he's got to be The One cuz the Oracle said...blah blah blah? Then he gets up...and says, very quietly..."No."? Dude just stopped dodging bullets and just ...FUCK THAT. Pluck. Drop.

Yeah well...THAT HAPPENED.

Everything I'd lost faith in... dreams, goals, family, friends, relationships suddenly got a recharge.

I took a look at where I was and said, "Uh...I don't want to be here anymore." And EVERYTHING changed. (Katt Williams...) EV-ER-RY-THANG.

Back to Imani: To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.

Yeah. I completed it. But I still have a problem with Kwanzaa because it's not just about OUR people... it's about all people.

Not just OUR parents, teachers, leaders. We need to have a little Imani in ALL of them.

I think we're ALL moving in the right direction and the struggle isn't just for blacks anymore.

So blacks, listen to me very closely. I'm only going to say this once.

Get your head outcha ass. Pull your pants up. Stay off Maury.

When an immigrant gets bashed by some ignorant jerk in a white-hood or not...that's YOU. When a gay person is denied rights...that's YOU. We didn't come this far to just sit on it and say, "Oh well. Ya'll should figure it out....we did."

Sure...we opened the door, but now it's our duty to help others walk through.

Sorry...I'll get off my soap box now. Where was I? Oh...yeah. Imani.

So...all that to say, I've had Imani since November 4th. It took some time to get it back...but I'd been working on it for the entire year and I'm glad it paid off...because my Spanish is still bootie and my French is just as bad. Tres mal.

And sure, Costa Rica's a nice place and all...but they ain't got shit on the Boogie.

(Insert "South Bronx" here...and pump it.)

I wish you all love, truth and prosperity in 2009 and beyond... thanks for going on this journey with me...I couldn't have done it without you!

-Nyree



P.S.

Did I change my mind about Kwanzaa? Absofuckinglutely not.
It’s still a bullshit ass holiday, however, I do realize that some people may just need it. Actually... a lot of people need it. Maybe I'll do it again next ye... no. That's a lie. I'm not doing it again. Sorry.

OK… I got some fun writing out if it too. And a cake. And some shea butter. So rock on with your produce and candles if you need to.

As for me… giving up my week between Christmas and New Years...AGAIN?
(Come one everyone, say it with me.)



Fuuuck that! : )

Besides, who needs Kwanzaa? We've got this.