Know How To Pick Wine All Bougie-Like

 I've been to Napa Valley.

(This sounds bougie as shit, right? Good. It's working.) 

And you'd THINK I would have learned some major shit while I was there, right?

NOPE.

All I learned was buy a case of whatever they're pushing that day because you'll NEVER find it anywhere else and don't do The Wine Train tour with your brother. It's way too romantic and unless you are about that Lannister Twins life (ewwwww....) , it's just a wasted trip.

Well, not wasted. WASTED. Like... well, just look at me.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day...and I'm feeling GOOD....

Droopy lids. Glassy eyes. No pain felt.

Hey... don't judge me.  THE WINE TRAIN whizzed us by all the vineyards in Napa, fed us, got us drunk and sent us on our merry way. That was sort of the point. We didn't learn jack shit though. 

Except how to pose in front of grapes.

Wine...

...and CHEESE!

So this lead me to bragging for YEARS about having had been in Napa, I knew something about wine. And you know what? People BELIEVED me! Oh...I had folks calling me up like... 

"Hey Nye, I'm having fish. What should I buy?" 

And I'm all..

"Well...umm... do you like dry or sweet Darling?" Then I'd Google the shit out of  wine parings and look like a hero. 

Since then, I've tried to not lie be a better person, so I figured, I'd better stop relying on bullshit  learn a thing or two. 

So, I attended a few wine classes. Which are BORING AS SHIT. (Thank GOD they include alcohol.) 

However, they do teach you some valuable bougie lessons.

Lessons like...

PUT THE GOTDAMN MOSCATO BACK! IT DOESN'T GO WITH EVERYTHING PEOPLE!

Hint: Save it for Summer

OK. They don't teach you that in class. But they should. Along with "Don't bring anything in a box or White Zinfandel to any party. Ever."


Thanks. Had to get that off my chest.

So, just in case you decide you're not going to take a class, don't worry. Just finish this blog entry and I'll try not to bullshit lead you astray.


Back in March, I managed to get invited to an intensive wine tasting class that was a birthday gift for for my brother. (Oh... the irony.)

So, to show support for my brother (who looked like he'd rather be eating pork skins in a mosque), I took one for the team and joined him at some snooty wine bar in Washington D.C.  (I don't remember the name of the place. Some stupid pun for a name like, "Cork and Beans"...I dunno. Why do all wine spots do this? It's dumb. Stop it.)

First order of business for me in this wine class is to try every wine with amazing feigned bougie pretentiousness and act like I notice the difference. Check.

Second...keep asking for more (and drinking my boyfriend's leftovers) by saying things like, "I can't really taste the oak" or "the notes of peppercorn get lost...perhaps I swallowed too quickly?" until I got a little bit of a buzz. Check.

Third, write down some drunken notes so I can act like I learned something this time around. Check.

Fourth, call people "Darling" whenever you can. I don't know why, but that re-ups your bougie cred tenfold.

Finally....report my drunken notes back to you and hope you  don't detect my bullshit  trust what I say.


 So here's what I learned. Ready?

CHARDONNAY SHOULD NOT BE MORE THAN 2 YEARS OLD IF FROM CALIFORNIA.
 I don't know why. But it seems to be true.
I've had older Chardonnay from Cali...they suck. The newer ones? Better. So there you go.

CHARDONNAY FROM BURGUNDY IS JUST FINE UP TO TEN YEARS.
The instructor was right about that too. Damn delicious.

MERLOT SHOULDN'T BE MORE THAN FIVE YEARS OLD.
No clue why. I did not test this out. But he was right so far so hey...

2008 WAS NOT A GOOD YEAR FOR FRENCH WINE.
Good for Obama, not good for wine.

A GOOD BOTTLE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE EXPENSIVE
But a bad bottle rarely is. CHURCH.

LET A YOUNG WINE DECANT FOR A FEW HOURS.
OLDER WINES DECANT FOR SHORTER PERIODS...JUST TO GET THE SETTLEMENT TO THE BOTTOM.
And hey. If you don't know what decanting is...then the terrorists have truly won.



For everything else, I will give you my go to spot...which is ... this blog.
Free lessons in wine culture and it specializes in recommending great wines for under $10.

Yup. Under $10

Who will WIN when they pop that gift bottle at that holiday party? You will.
(Unless you're at the type of party that prefers Coconut/Honey flavored booze. Then um... they won't care.)


If you don't have time to peruse that blog because you're in a hurry, this fun flow chart will tell you EXACTLY what  to buy for that bougie holiday party and not get a look of shame.

You can get the original info graphic in a much larger size HERE.

So enjoy your wine this season my friends. Don't bother with the class...it blows. Unless you just want to get drunk on a Saturday afternoon. Then hey. Or, of course, you're in Napa. Then yeah... do that shit. Take the "Wine Train" with your sweetie, sit back and enjoy the ride. Then come home and use words like "buttery, nose, legs, oak, dry and peppercorn". 

No one will be able to battle your bougie. Trust me on this Darling.

-Nyree