KWANZAA DAY THREE: UJIMA?! The Kwanzaa Cake Strikes Back!

Riddle me this Batman...why do we even need a Kwanzaa cake?

Huh?

Is there some part of Kwanzaa that rewards us with cake? Is that why we're here? For the cake?
Do we get to eat it on the seventh day or whenever we feel like it? How does that work?

Sure, we went ahead and clowned Sandra Lee's Kwanzaa Cake, right? But we never did answer those tough questions. First being, did we ever try to make one?

Not really.

So as far as I'm concerned, we're part of the problem.

...Da fuck?

We let this foolery go on too long and now...there's tee shirts. Folks are bringing mock Kwanzaa cakes to office parties. It's a mess.

This...

...is all our fault.

So since this Kwanzaa is about to owning up to our own shit...I'm calling us out.

How are you (we) going to just let Sandra Lee do this to the Kwanzaa cake and not do something about it?!

But before we tear Sandra and ourselves a new one...let's just answer the question...

 What exactly is a Kwanzaa cake supposed to be?

 Nobody's ever really defined it...and thats the problem when you don't define traditional foods for yourself. Somebody will come along and do it for you. But I already bitched about that a few years ago.

THIS blog post isn't about bitchin. It's about solution!

So I decided to take some action and help my brothers and sisters out (UJIMA!) by making ...
MY OWN DAMN KWANZAA CAKE!

But this time, I wasn't going to use ingredients we'd never, ever buy.

...OK. Maybe the chocolate. We'd buy the chocolate.

I mean, I really put some thought into this cake and it doesn't matter if you're from the North, the South, or the Caribbean... there's a little something in there for everyone.

HOWEVER, before I get to mine, I have to give a huge shout out to Jamyla Bennu, owner and creator of Oyin Handmade for sharing her picture of HER amazing Kwanzaa Cake...which is a gotdamn red, black and green Kwanzaatastic masterpiece!

Honey Momma got SKILLS!

Amazing right? If you want to know how she did it... head on over to the OYIN blog. 
Man listen. That looks like some shit I want to eat immediately! And it's got "black power" packed in every moist, delicious bite!

Can't lie...when I saw her cake, I was a little intimidated.  I thought "Wow, it's going to be hard to beat that one..." But hey. It's not a competition!  We're all in this together just trying to right a terrible...terrible wrong. JB did an incredible job with the colors  (may The Kwanzaa King bless all artists) whereas, I went a totally different route. I just ignored the colors altogether  (sort of) and went straight for content.

So, without further adieu...Kwanzaas and Kwanzettes... here's my contribution to the culture.

May I present for your consideration..

The Official 

Red Velvet Pineapple Rum Right (on!) Side Up Cake 

with Sweet Potato Hennessy Coconut Cream Cheese Frosting 

Kwanzaa Cake Kake!!!

That's right. Something for everybody. 


See, maybe your problem on...umm...Kwanzaa cake day.... is that you only eat Red Velvet Cake. No problem.  Maybe you think Sweet Potato Pie or Cheese Cake is the best desert ever and if you don't get some on Kwanzaa cake day....shit is about to go down! I got you.  

Or perhaps your grandma's Rum Cake/ Coconut Cake/ Pineapple Upside down Cake makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. Or maybe you're an alcoholic. (Hey...I don't judge.) Perhaps you just skip desert altogether and just chillax with (yet another) nice glass of brown liquor in the form of Henny.  
You think Sandra Lee was thinking about you like this? Nope. Not with some damn angel food cake and canned pie filling. 


Want to make it yourself?  Of course you do. And when you do, make sure you serve it on Ujima, and save yourself some Kwanzaa grief. After all, this day is about helping out your brothers and sisters. Making their problems your problems. Now, if you're anything like me... you've got enough. You may not necessarily be able to help them out and make their problems your problems. Buuuuut....you can give them a nice heaping slice of The Official Red Velvet Pineapple Rum Right (on!) Side Up Cake with Sweet Potato Hennessy Coconut Cream Cheese Frosting Kwanzaa Kake!! and have them tell you all about it, while giving the appropriate amount of sympathy. 

How? 

Step One: Serve Cake. (Can't nobody be mad at ya.) 
Step Two: Nod.
Step Three: Say, "You", "He", "She", "Your Finances" etc, ...are in my prayers". 
Step Four: DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD. 

So how does it taste? Boozy and chewy and moist and confusing as shit. If you know somebody with "Sugar", you might not want to give them a slice. Unless you want to get rid of them. 



OK...here's how to make it.


Step One: Gather Your Stuff 

Get all this: 

• Red Velvet Cake Mix
• Vanilla Pudding 
• Coconut Milk
• Pineapple Slices
• A small bottle (or big bottle...hey...I don't judge) of Henny
• A small bottle (or...you know) of dark rum
• Butter
• Eggs 
• Veg Oil
• (canned) Sweet Potatoes 
• Unsweetened Coconut Flakes
• Brown Sugar (1 cup)
• Cream Cheese Frosting

Step Two: Old School. 

 You're going to cook it in this: 

Old Fashioned Husband Checker

Why a cast iron skillet? Because that's what our ancestors baked in. They didn't have fancy-smanchy non-stick T-Fal nonsense. A skillet. Only one. And they cooked EVERYTHING in there. This cake is no exception.  Now preheat your oven to 350 degrees and trust me. 

Step Three: Pack, Melt, Spread.

 Pack a cup of brown sugar. Melt a whole stick of butter in the bottom of the skillet on low heat. Stir in brown sugar. Marvel at how insanely bad for you this cake is going to be. Swallow your feelings.


Step Four: Twisted Fruit

Get the Pineapple slices drunk.
Pour the rum over them and let it all sink in together.

Lay the drunk pineapple over the brown sugar and butter.

Then add some coconut flakes...(I know. I said unsweetened. I still mean that. I picked up the wrong one. Whatever...the show must go on. MO SUGAR! MO SUGAR! MO SUGAR!)

Step Five: Come Together...Right Now...over me.

Make your cake batter. Pour the Red Velvet cake mix into a bowl but ignore the package instruction. You need something sturdy enough to support the pineapple upside down (that will end up Right (on!) Side Up.). Use the box recipe and your cake will fall apart.

Instead, add four eggs, one cup of water, a half cup of veg oil and one package of vanilla pudding mix.

         

        

Get your mixer out and....

...for about 3-4 minutes.

Step Six: Pour It On Me

Pour batter into the skillet and put it in the oven for one hour...

Step Seven: Squish!

Play with your child's big ass cheeks when they keep coming to kitchen to see what you're doing.

Step Eight: Make the frosting! 

Combine all the Cream Cheese Frosting with even mo' whipped cream cheese (about a 1/4 cup), 

puree the sweet potatoes until silky smooth, add two or three tablespoons of coconut milk (depending on how thick you want your icing) and Henny to taste. Combine to taste.  Mix and taste...mix and taste...mix and taste...

Step Nine: Flip it! 

After an hour...remove the cake, flip it... pray because it's edges look like yours on a hot day and ... pow. Red Velvet Pineapple Upside down cake! But don't leave it like that. Let it cool on a rack then flip that bitch back over. Why? Because it's a "Right (on!) Side Up" Coconut cake! 

Trim the edges with a VERY sharp knife. Once you get those off...your cake is damn near perfect. 

FINAL STEP: 

Frost. Cover with coconut and add the  DECENT SIZED Kwanzaa candles that don't resemble dildos. 

Take pictures and curse the fact you're not a food photographer because in real life, this shit looks amazing...but here, it looks ghetto, but nothing is worse than Sandra Lee's cake so just bathe in that for a while.

Serve a big ass slice to whoever is in the house...and tell them they're in your prayers. And watch as the eyes roll back and the sugar rush takes over.  When they comment on the navy blue candles, you tell them candle makers are racist   there weren't any black candles... just eat the damn cake Ana Mae.

Problem solved. BOOM!

OK Kwanzaa...what's next?

Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics): To build and maintain our own stores, shops, and other businesses and to profit from them together.

Oh...I GOT this!! Not only do I GOT this...but I'll show you the best places to shop and get your Ujamaa on! (And if you have any black own business you'd like to give a shout out to...leave it in the comments! I'll be sure to include them!) 


-Nyree