Who the fuck IS this?
I know this ad says it's LL Cool J, but that's bullshit. I KNOW LL.
I saw LL hump a couch while croonin' "I Need Love..." and that shot me directly into puberty.
Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Be the couch Nyree. BE the couch.
I sat in Dapper Dans trembling in awe when he rolled up in (insert hot jeep at the time), sporting a black hoodie, drawn in tight around that mishapen head of his (which I thought was adorable).
He was coming to pick up his (insert knock off label gaudy-ass suit here) and didn't even give me another glance as I sat near my friend Angie's reception desk.
But why would he? I was clearly underage and spectacularly NOT fly.
I mean, it's an art to be THAT not-fly.
Like...you know the team on "Ugly Betty" works extra hard to get America to look THAT not-fly.
That's how I looked.
But that didn't stop me from swooning... or wishing for X-Ray vision so I could see his abs through that hoodie.
THAT dude in the picture is not the same dude I saw when I got old enough (meaning reverse-not-fly) to
land my lucky ass in an "Uptown Records" party, back when Diddy was "Puffy" and was still getting kicked out of
Andre's office.
LL walked right past me...fitted Yankee crispy topping him off...and in a moment that would be on mental repeat for two full months... Cool James himself caught me in an eye lock, licked his lips, winked...and kept it moving.
Done.
Fucking. Done.
I mean, I WAS an "Around The Way Girl". My earrings most-fucking-definitely "Jingled". And nobody killed a running man like I did. I could recite "Illegal Search" and "Milky Cereal" to the "coco-puff!"
"Booming System" was on stolen car repeat in my neighborhood and "6 Minutes Of Pleasure"... um.. yeah.
OK...I'm not going full blog post here. I'm just sayin'...I loved some LL. And that dude...
THAT dude? Man listen.
