Know That The Official King of KWANZAA... Is Quentin Tarantino

I mean, if we're going just make shit up, then why not? If I'm going to have to chronicle KWANZAA one more time this year, I propose we name a "King" each year and since this holiday still makes no fucking sense, let's take it one step further and give the honor of "King" to a white man. A white man who made the most honest film about the treatment of slaves in the antebellum south since "Gone With The Wind".

Oh I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration?

But before I get into how AWESOME and LONG "Django Unchained" is I just want to tell you guys that I'm moving. Not out of state or anything. Just cyber locations.

Now if done right, the "Black People Don't..." transition to Wordpress from Blogger will be as smooth as Kerry Washington's edges in this epic slave revenge movie, so you've got nothing to worry about.

Either Kerry had a tub of this or Indian in her family.

Now,  about this movie.

I won't spoil it. Don't worry. 

I will say, however,  that you're going to hear the word "Nigger" a lot. I mean A LOT. So brace yourself because when you do....it's ... umm...it's... well... sort of like anal sex. (PSA: This is the part of the entry (ha! get it?) where you REALLY realize I just came from a Tarantino film.)  You see, at first, it hurts like a motherfucker but if you relax and realize it's not going to kill you, after a while you get used to it. I'm not saying it doesn't still hurt like a motherfucker, or disrupts proper pooping for a fucking week...I'm just saying, you get used to it.

Umm... yeah.

So anyhoo...

Now, if you're looking for historical accuracy in a slavery piece, go watch Roots on BET (looking at you..you know who you are.) However, if you're looking for blood, guts and a glimpse of Jamie's nuts... THIS is the flick for you. Again, it was a bit too long and I can't say whether or not it had to do with the absence of Sally Menke, but it was. I'm sure she was used to cutting Quentin down when he needed to be cut. But now she's gone and not that this editor didn't do a great job, but I think QT kinda got a little "Whose gonna check me Boo?" on this and there was nobody to fight him on leaving out the shit we just didn't need. Didn't hurt the film, it just... well, you notice.  Let me explain. You know that audience seat-shift you do when you realize the story is STILL not fucking over? That happened. 

(I don't need to tell you when. You'll do it when the time comes.) 

Loved watching Jamie Foxx's transformation from "sixth nigger on the chain gang" to bad ass "Django"  and as for Christoph Waltz... man listen. Put that man in EVERYTHING. I mean it. I want to see him in ALL THE THINGS. 

And what can I say. Leo did his job...a little too fucking well. I've seen DiCaprio in a lot of movies. This was the only time I felt... I dunno.... something. I don't know if it was disgust, or hate. But for the first time, I wanted that motherfucker dead. Bad.  And Sam Jackson?? I felt dirty watching him. I just want to wash his disgusting house nigger essence off me. That's how good he was.

All in all, Quentin is excellent at creating his history with sprinkles of truth flakes. However, the first thing folks will say is that the brutality was all him with no historical reference. Nah uh. Sorry Chief.

 In reality, the horrors of slavery are FAR worse than he could have ever put on film without damn near mimicking a horror film and being labeled a total psychopath. And as for the end...

Dude.  DUUUUUUDE. When you finally get to the "revenge"...oh. OH my friends. OHHHHH. 

And this is why QT should be this year's "KING OF KWANZAA".  Who else has done more to bring awareness to black history this year than QT? OK. Fine. I'll give you Solidad O'Brian. However, I didn't see the most recent "Black In America", but if you go on the page, even THEY are talking about Django. Clearly I'm right.

Think about it. For those of us who are still doubting this holiday, what sweeter revenge could we have on piling more black obligatory separatist bullshit on us than this?

I tied my own shoes once. Believe me. It was an overrated experience.

Yes, I said "black obligatory separatist" with a straight face.  I know I just came from a movie about slavery and all but, don't you think it's time to let a few things go?

Now wait a minute. Before you think I got all...

 on you...

I'm not saying forget and don't honor our ancestors.

I'm not even saying that white privilege doesn't exist because it does. I just mean, let some shit go and realize that our culture, is slowly becoming OUR culture. Meaning AMERICAN culture.

For example, in the theater, before the movie began, I saw two white guys give each other a pound. A three pointer pound too like "slap", "grip", "snap". It wasn't something they learned on tv like one learns to call each other "Son". They knew it. 

So maybe we consider this idea.... by continuing to think things such as "Black History Month" and "Stepping" and "HBCUs" and yes, even KWANZAA belong only to us ...no wait. Scratch that. Kwanzaa only belongs to us. Nobody else is silly enough to claim it.

What I mean is, as long as we keep separating ourselves....could we be doing more harm than good?

 I wonder about this a lot. I wonder and wonder until my wonderer is sore.

When I travel, I'm simply "American". No hyphen.  No racial baggage. And it feels awesome.

 I want that feeling HERE though.  So this made me wonder (again) about something I learned a long time ago.

If you want to change, you must begin with YOU.

If I want to be seen and treated as "American" and not "African American", should WE start and perhaps do away with the things that are "just for us"?  I mean, if we're all one, I'm wondering....

Why don't WE just....act like it? (And by WE, I mean black folk.) 

That's what the blog's original intention was. To make fun of that very idea, that on some fundamental level, black folk still believe we're not American. When we ARE. We just ...are.

I'm not saying abandon black culture. (Except maybe soul food, because that shit will kill you. We'll talk about that tomorrow.)

 I'm just saying, perhaps it's time to reconsider all that "us against them" shit you've had shoved down your throat by your grandparents and create a new story. 

Because frankly, we off that. Welcome ...to the ...future....

And yeah, I know. Racism exisits. But must you troll Facebook and Twitter looking for ever instance somebody calls Obama a Nigger? I mean, does that help you? And do you also troll the interwebs looking for "cracker" references?  Where's your focus?

Crackers are trending. 

Perhaps it's time to refocus.  Change direction.  Not continue to concentrate on what they did/keep doing to US, but what we keep doing to ourselves and hold ourselves accountable.   Accountable for what we did and are continuing to do to self sabotage. 

So this KWANZAA is dedicated to OWNING UP TO YOUR OWN SHIT. 

Not pointing fingers. Not blaming anyone else for anything. OWNING IT. FACE IT.

Our King Of Kwanzaa was brave enough to make a movie owning up to what the rest of America loves to sweep under the rug. (The dog scene. Wow.) 

But are we?

And though I still believe it's a bullshit holiday, I'm going to go through EVERY. DAMN.  DAY. and do one thing that lines up with that day's principle just like I did in the past, because if Kwanzaa is good for anything, it's kept me on point. 

If you can't get Iyanla to fix your life then fix it yourself. (With a little help from Kwanzaa.)

And so we begin!

Seven more days and tomorrow morning bright and early, I plan to UMOJA.

And I'd love it if you came with me.


-Nyree

Know How To Pick Wine All Bougie-Like

 I've been to Napa Valley.

(This sounds bougie as shit, right? Good. It's working.) 

And you'd THINK I would have learned some major shit while I was there, right?

NOPE.

All I learned was buy a case of whatever they're pushing that day because you'll NEVER find it anywhere else and don't do The Wine Train tour with your brother. It's way too romantic and unless you are about that Lannister Twins life (ewwwww....) , it's just a wasted trip.

Well, not wasted. WASTED. Like... well, just look at me.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day...and I'm feeling GOOD....

Droopy lids. Glassy eyes. No pain felt.

Hey... don't judge me.  THE WINE TRAIN whizzed us by all the vineyards in Napa, fed us, got us drunk and sent us on our merry way. That was sort of the point. We didn't learn jack shit though. 

Except how to pose in front of grapes.

Wine...

...and CHEESE!

So this lead me to bragging for YEARS about having had been in Napa, I knew something about wine. And you know what? People BELIEVED me! Oh...I had folks calling me up like... 

"Hey Nye, I'm having fish. What should I buy?" 

And I'm all..

"Well...umm... do you like dry or sweet Darling?" Then I'd Google the shit out of  wine parings and look like a hero. 

Since then, I've tried to not lie be a better person, so I figured, I'd better stop relying on bullshit  learn a thing or two. 

So, I attended a few wine classes. Which are BORING AS SHIT. (Thank GOD they include alcohol.) 

However, they do teach you some valuable bougie lessons.

Lessons like...

PUT THE GOTDAMN MOSCATO BACK! IT DOESN'T GO WITH EVERYTHING PEOPLE!

Hint: Save it for Summer

OK. They don't teach you that in class. But they should. Along with "Don't bring anything in a box or White Zinfandel to any party. Ever."


Thanks. Had to get that off my chest.

So, just in case you decide you're not going to take a class, don't worry. Just finish this blog entry and I'll try not to bullshit lead you astray.


Back in March, I managed to get invited to an intensive wine tasting class that was a birthday gift for for my brother. (Oh... the irony.)

So, to show support for my brother (who looked like he'd rather be eating pork skins in a mosque), I took one for the team and joined him at some snooty wine bar in Washington D.C.  (I don't remember the name of the place. Some stupid pun for a name like, "Cork and Beans"...I dunno. Why do all wine spots do this? It's dumb. Stop it.)

First order of business for me in this wine class is to try every wine with amazing feigned bougie pretentiousness and act like I notice the difference. Check.

Second...keep asking for more (and drinking my boyfriend's leftovers) by saying things like, "I can't really taste the oak" or "the notes of peppercorn get lost...perhaps I swallowed too quickly?" until I got a little bit of a buzz. Check.

Third, write down some drunken notes so I can act like I learned something this time around. Check.

Fourth, call people "Darling" whenever you can. I don't know why, but that re-ups your bougie cred tenfold.

Finally....report my drunken notes back to you and hope you  don't detect my bullshit  trust what I say.


 So here's what I learned. Ready?

CHARDONNAY SHOULD NOT BE MORE THAN 2 YEARS OLD IF FROM CALIFORNIA.
 I don't know why. But it seems to be true.
I've had older Chardonnay from Cali...they suck. The newer ones? Better. So there you go.

CHARDONNAY FROM BURGUNDY IS JUST FINE UP TO TEN YEARS.
The instructor was right about that too. Damn delicious.

MERLOT SHOULDN'T BE MORE THAN FIVE YEARS OLD.
No clue why. I did not test this out. But he was right so far so hey...

2008 WAS NOT A GOOD YEAR FOR FRENCH WINE.
Good for Obama, not good for wine.

A GOOD BOTTLE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE EXPENSIVE
But a bad bottle rarely is. CHURCH.

LET A YOUNG WINE DECANT FOR A FEW HOURS.
OLDER WINES DECANT FOR SHORTER PERIODS...JUST TO GET THE SETTLEMENT TO THE BOTTOM.
And hey. If you don't know what decanting is...then the terrorists have truly won.



For everything else, I will give you my go to spot...which is ... this blog.
Free lessons in wine culture and it specializes in recommending great wines for under $10.

Yup. Under $10

Who will WIN when they pop that gift bottle at that holiday party? You will.
(Unless you're at the type of party that prefers Coconut/Honey flavored booze. Then um... they won't care.)


If you don't have time to peruse that blog because you're in a hurry, this fun flow chart will tell you EXACTLY what  to buy for that bougie holiday party and not get a look of shame.

You can get the original info graphic in a much larger size HERE.

So enjoy your wine this season my friends. Don't bother with the class...it blows. Unless you just want to get drunk on a Saturday afternoon. Then hey. Or, of course, you're in Napa. Then yeah... do that shit. Take the "Wine Train" with your sweetie, sit back and enjoy the ride. Then come home and use words like "buttery, nose, legs, oak, dry and peppercorn". 

No one will be able to battle your bougie. Trust me on this Darling.

-Nyree

Want To See "Django Unchained"

Welp...THAT'S bullshit because YES THE FUCK YOU DO.

I almost want to end the post right there because the idea of NOT seeing this film (as a fan of Tarantino) is mind boggling. Like... REALLY? Why wouldn't you?!

But you'd go see fuckin...Red Tails in droves, right??  Yeah. How'd THAT work out for you?
George duped your ass then sold Star Wars. (And you forgot all about Jar-Jar right? Yeah. Hold that.)

The Wrong Stuff

So don't tell me you don't want to see it. Because you do. Because we all do. We want to go see the shit out of it.

You know how I know? Because I know in my soul, that QT is about that fantasy revenge life.
ALL of his shit is about revenge.

Dude...he shot Hitler in the face!

IN. THE. FACE.

He burned, shot and blew up all the top Nazis in the Nazi cabinet! AND had a Jew laughing while they  were served on flambe'!  And I don't know about you...but I fucking CHEERED in the theater.

 I cheered like somebody went back in a time machine and did that shit for real.

This Girl Is On Fire...

And he's not even Jewish.

But I tell you what he IS. A geeky white man who became a cinematic rock star...but never got a black pass. You know...? He didn't get "Bill Clinton" type "black pass" status where we're all like..."He's that DUDE" and I know he wants it. Shit...who wouldn't?

 And you know what that also means? He had to carry around all that fucked up white guilt for years. And he knows about white privilege. He's got black peoples. He's aware.

Not only that....he does research. Why? He's a smart motherfucker. Learn as much as you can, and then you can break the rules.

So Django may very well be his black love letter. His "I voted for Obama". His "Yo...I GET it now." And I for one, am willing give him a black pass. Retro-active platinum signed by Rakim.

You're going to see this shit...stop fronting.

You know, this reminds me of the time Barack first got into the race against Hillary and we were all..."We don't know that negro! We know Miss Hillary!"

Then he started winning. And then we started listening.  And then we were like... oh. He's not Jesse Jackson...and he's only got two kids?  For real?! #TEAM BLACK MAN.

Black folk are funny like that.  Prove it works, and we get on board. And I get it. Too much disappointment and we'd rather be surprised.

I also know some of you are still pissed off because he had a liberal use of "Nigger" in his past films and he had Mr. Wallace ass fucked with a mouth gag and it messed with your black man machismo.
Dude. I get it. I understand. But I also would like to tell you to have a nice cup of shut the fuck up and get over it.

Seriously, do you think white people don't say "Nigger"? A lot? You mad because somebody put it on film and it wasn't during a time when somebody was getting his ass whupped by Massa (Insert Your Last Name Here)? And as for black men getting ass fucked and raped by white supremacists... if you can't see how psychologically awesome it was to put racial sexual envy, repression and the assertion of white power (in the form of rape) on screen... umm.. whatever. I'm not having that discussion with you. You wouldn't get it anyway.


BUT...please just admit it. You're going to see Django Unchained.  Look. You don't have to tell anyone. It'll be our little secret. Just do it, like white folks voting for Barack on the low. (You know the pollsters were confused as fuck when Barack won, right? "But...but...but...the polls said..."
Yeah. They SAID Romney to other white folks, but in the booth it was, "Look. I'm trying to eat.")


Look. What the fuck else you going to see on Christmas Day? Les Miserables? (Though I'm not going to front...I am. But my Django tickets are for 11AM.)

And I hate to bring it down to the lowest common denominator of the revenge film, but um... you know Jamie is whipping a white slave owner in this, right? And yeah, the rest of the story is fantastic, (I read an early script. It made me moist.) but SERIOUSLY...you don't want to SEE that?!


Sorry. I do. I want to scratch that motherfucking itch so bad it bleeds. 


I've wanted to scratch it so bad,  before I'd even heard of Django, I wrote a TV pilot that looked so much like this (except our lead is a female) that when I heard QT was doing Django, I almost trashed it. Why? Three reasons.

1.  I realized was...I wrote the gotdamb "Good, Bad, & The Ugly"  meets "Downton Abby" as a TV series... in the antebellum south.

2. QT would probably do it so much better than I would. No...not probably. Like I said, I read the script. He did.

3. The possiblity of something like that getting made was slim to none. Especially from an unknown.

But I still have dreams. I kept it...so don't worry. It may just happen. (Heeeeey Taraji P. Henson... I'll have my people call your people.)



So...if you are still on the fence, after all this passion I've smacked down in this post, allow me to help you out.

Watch the trailer (and Sam Jackson "Uncle Tom'n like a BOSS...) :

And, just so you know I'm not just getting on the band wagon and shit....watch as I gushed shamelessly all over QT during a Times Talks Q&A right before the opening of "Inglourious Basterds". 

                                           

So if you haven't figured it out by now, clearly, I'm on Team QT.  And I'm proud to say I stay writing fearlessly because he does.  He is one of my heroes. 

I hope you have heroes. Because I ride hard for mine and that said... I am HERE for Django Unchained. 

IT. WILL. NOT. SUCK. 

Because like I said in that video, he doesn't suck...ever. 

#TeamAries

-N

(Oh will you just leave the toe thing out of this people?! Focus.  Some men like their nipples sucked. Some like the "Gyp Rosetti". Everybody has something. If I told you what I liked...man, listen. ) 

Yet Another Nigga In Paris

SEE???? It's not just me... PARIS IS THE FUCKING SHIT!

Check out my friend 's blog. She's in Paris right now. She doesn't want to come home.

Man do I know the feeling.


CLICK THIS ISH ->>> FROM BROOKLYN TO PARIS and get your LIFE in Paris.

-Nyree

Oh and P.S. Girl ...can you pick summa this up for me? I'll gladly pay you Tuesday!

...Know What The F*ck To Use On Natural Hair

Why do we do this to ourselves?

WHY do we buy up every damn product in the entire black section to make our natural hair stop acting like it's struggling all the damn time?

WHY do we spend countless hours on You Tube trying to perfect the "Super Twisty Knotty Coil Out" trying to look like Solange...

WERK!

 ...and in the end look like "Snoop" from "The Wire"?

And...umm...needs work.

And there are a BAZILLION hair suggestions, right?

"Oh...if you're a 3c, you shouldn't use Kinky Curly...maybe Hair Rules because it doesn't contain unicorn tears. Unicorn tears will make your hair feel stringy."

Use a paddle brush.

No brush.

Finger detangle.

Never detangle.

Co-wash.

Wash with sulfate free glitter neon shampoo you can only get from fairies... UGHHH! ENOUGH ALREADY!!

I don't know about you, but I was tired of my bathroom cabinet looking crazy with half used goop and no results. I was tired of paying Whole Foods money on shitty hair do's at overpriced salons...and as it turns out, I wasn't the only one.

On my podcast Chocolate Cake Radio, along with my co-host D'Nyree , we decided to do our own damn awards show for natural hair called "The Nappies" and handed out verbal "Golden Afro" awards for the best of the best  and "Rusty Hotcombs" for the worst of the worst in the following categories:

• Best Weave Job
• Best Beauty Supply Chain
• Best You Tube Videos
• Best Blow Out
• Best Dye Job (Hair Colorist in NYC)
• Worst Dye Job (Hair Colorist in NYC)
• Best Natural Hair Cut (in NYC) 
• Worst Natural Hair Cut (in NYC) 
• Best Cheap, But AWESOME Product 
• Best Hair Blog
• Best Shampoo & Conditioner
• Most Over hyped Product/Salon

Mind you, we did this for fun. Shitty sound system, corny award show music... the works.

But apparently, the people have spoken.

A whopping (and humbling) number of over 18,000 folks (who knew there were THAT many Naturalistas out there?) listened and laughed along as we praised and tore apart the best and the worst in natural hair care.

So...if you've got an hour, you can download the podcast HERE and listen along to see if your product made the cut.

And if you can, SUBSCRIBE...because you don't want to miss the next episode.
Here's why.


(Heavy sigh...) Have you head of Before And Afro ? Well...here's the bottom line.

A white girl puts on a fake afro and has a spiritual awakening or some shit. No matter how much we (as black women) try to save her... she insists that this is a good idea.

Bootsy Collins Wept.

ANYHOO... my girls and I have been talking about this chick and she's invited a dialogue with us regarding her life "after the 'fro".

...And we accept.

Not that I have a problem with a white woman wearing an afro. Hey...look. I live in NYC. White women are awesome and can wear whatever the hell they want. Who am I to judge? Black women weave in silky Malaysian by the truckload, so really... people in glass houses and all that.

But here's the thing...I call bullshit.

You know how Dave Chappelle said he stopped doing the show because people stopped laughing with him and started laughing at him? It's that subtle racism shit you can't really detect unless you're there. (Or unless you have close white friends who will also tell you that this... is bullshit. And I asked. And they did indeed, confirm, that it's bullshit.)

I don't believe she's doing it for enlightenment. I believe she's doing it to become a publicity figure. She's found that the best way to do this is to piss off black women...and she's currently getting shine off of that. It's turning her into a fucking Kardashian.  (But hey, at least Kim got Kanye out of it...if you're into that whole millionaire famous rapper thing.)

So I ask, what exactly is she getting?

Well... we'll find out. But only if you subscribe.

Heavy sigh...  stay tuned.


-Nyree

PS Khole didn't have to suck dick one and she's our favorite. Wise up. 

Know About The Hook Up: (Cheap) Expensive Hair Cuts, Free Credit Scoring, Online Rebates

Getting LAID. 

You need a hook up. I'm here for you.

And I'm not talking about your boy who works in McDonalds who throws an extra Quarter Pounder with Cheese in the bag. (But if that's your connect...hey. No heat, not judgement.)

I'm talking about two very important things you need to know about like...yesterday.

1. Knowing your credit score and...

2. Not paying full price for a damn thing.


And once I put you on please...go forth! Spread the gospel! Each one teach one!


The economy... man listen. We know. We're all living here. The brother is trying his damnest to fix it. But until Congress stops acting like a six pack of Summer's Eve, here are three EASY deals I found that has kept extra dough in my pocket and out of the pocket of THE MAN.



CREDIT KARMA

So chances are...when you've tried to check your credit score, you were asked to enter in all your information, including some source of payment and the next thing you know, you were charged a grip every month when all you wanted was your freakin' score.

Rip off? Yes.  Pissed off? Double yes.

Credit Karma agrees.

Which is why they offer your credit score for FREE.

Yes, I tried it. Yes, it's actually free.


I'm usually pretty skeptical when it comes to these things, but what the hell.

Two minutes later, and NO PAYMENT INFO REQUIRED... I had my credit score.

 This is NOT my score. Mind ya beeswax.

It's safe, they are ad supported, and checking your score will not negatively affect your credit.
(They request on your behalf, so it will not be shown to creditors.)  AND they're not trying to sell you anything. Nada.

What they WILL do, however, is offer you other deals from their advertisers like, U Promise, RoadRunner & Discovery. Feel free to ignore them and just check your score.

 Then look at your life. Look at your choices.

You can get yours too by going HERE.



EBATES

If you're shopping online and you're not already using Ebates, nobody loves you.

OK. Well, that's a lie. I love you. Which is why I'm telling you about this.

You know how some companies claim to give you cash back with every purchase?

EBATES DOES! Don't believe me?

POW! Cold Hard Chedda! (I think I bought a book.)

Here's how it works. You sign up, you browse their vendors (they've even paired with Group On and Amazon), choose the rebate deal you like best (6% Rebate & free shipping are my favs...), link to your favorite vendor THROUGH the Ebates site and that's it! No more to be done!

Can it be that easy Nyree? YES. It can and it IS!

At the end of each quarter, Ebates will tally up the amount you've got coming to you and send you a check.

On Black Friday, the Rebates are INSANE. I did some Christmas shopping and got back a check for over $200! Seriously...why would you shop online any other way?

I don't care what it is. Beauty. Home. Diapers. Electronics. Check Ebates FIRST...then get happy shopping. (And even HAPPIER when that moolah starts rolling in!)

You can get started HERE.


THE FLY CUT

Nothing pisses me off more than seeing a great Group On-type deal for highlights/color/cuts for some amazing cost like $50 and then realizing that there's no way in hell I could ever go there.

Why? It's not a black salon. And if you're anything like me, you don't really trust any woman who hasn't had to deal with black hair before.

I find myself apologizing for it as soon as they finish washing like, "Sorry. My bun was just pulled back extra tight so it LOOKS like my hair is relaxed. I'm really a happy nappy. Surprise! You're going to need a bigger comb!"

And so begins to trip to the black hair care salon. And they KNOW you're at a disadvantage in terms of options and service, so what do they do? Jack up the cost.

As a result, those of us who'd rather, oh..I don't know... EAT, have decided that we'd just have to suck it up. Bring our own shampoo and conditioner, some bobby pins and let Reina at the Dominican spot hook up up.

And as much as I love being called "Mami" and having a woman stare at me blankly as I try to explain why I'll knock her lights out if she eeeeever TRIES to blow dry my edges within an inch of their life, I long for the days when I could go to a salon, sip some herbal tea and relax,  knowing I was in the hands of a master. A quite affordable master.

Well, the day has arrived.

Introducing The Fly Cut!  Finally... discount deals on amazing hair care...just for us!



Did it work out OK? 

Well, I bought my $50 Fly Cut deal to the super swank Amoy Couture Hair Salon.  in New York City.

I walked in and I'm like...AHHHHHH. The sweet, sweet smell of expensive hair products.
And not the tragic, tragic smell of burnt hair and mineral oil.

The ambience was peaceful. Holy. Tranquil.

Nobody's abuela was up in there selling bacalaitos. No Asian chick selling bootleg DVDs.

Just a friendly staff (with BANGIN weaves I must say) and just... class.

Hair Heaven

My stylist Susan didn't treat me like I had a coupon. She didn't freak out when she saw I was natural. (She did freak out when she saw my hatchet color job I got going on right now, but that's another blog.)

Two hours later, my hair was LAID FOR THE GODS!! (I don't have a picture. I know...I suck.  I would have but apparently, the gods thought the humidity was more important to bestow on the city than my blow out. The gods won that day.)

Just trust me. My hair? It's Michelle Obama type sitting.

I tipped her 20% off the actual hair cut price ($150) and vowed to return.

Needless to say, The Fly Cut did me right and I'm sure it'll do you right too.


You can sign up to The Fly Cut HERE.



So don't pay full price for a damn thing if you can help it!

 It's still hard out here in these economic streets. At least now...you've got a secret weapon.

(And tell them all I sent ya! )

-Nyree

Go To Parties Like THIS: Sir Ivan's Castle - The Hamptons

Party Animals

I know...I know.

I promised the Switzerland story and the conclusion of my "Eat, Pray, Love" tale.

And you'll get it. I promise.

But first...this freakin' party story.



O.K. So, first of all, I have no idea what I'm doing at this party. I'm sure there was somebody at home, sewing a costume for days trying to get into this party and I sorta just find my way in. And I'm usually not impressed. As a matter of fact, I'm usually a bitch about these things.

 As much as I love events, I also kind of hate them. They're full of people who are more interesting in tweeting that they're at a cool place than actually enjoying themselves.

I'm up for being proven wrong, however, it doesn't usually happen.

So anyway, Elsi asks me if I'm free last Saturday and would I go to a party with her.

Sure. Why not?  It'll give me a reason to hang out with one of my favorite girls. And it's over at midnight. I can be home and cuddled up with Boo Thang by 1AM.


....I should have known better.


You see, Elsi has a way of innocently inviting me to some shit that turns into things I can't blog about because y'all will look at me funny.

So she tells me it's  JUST a record release party for this dude named "Sir Ivan" ...and it's in the Hamptons.

FUUUUUCK. I have to TRAVEL?!! Just for a freakin' party? UGH...And for WHO??

Who is Sir Ivan?  Well... that depends.

You can call him the son of a Holocaust survivor and philanthropist.

You could call him an eccentric billionaire who likes making music, throwing parties and doing whatever the fuck he wants to do. 

Or a just a regular dude who happens to own a real castle in the Hamptons where he routinely throws the SICKEST parties ever.

Choose one.

Needless to say, whoever the hell this dude was...I wasn't happy about it.

 The idea of having to drive out two hours for a fucking party infuriated me. AND it's a theme party? Eww.


But, in the name of friendship, I sucked it up. I was just told to put on a costume, get my ass on one of the 20 Hampton's Jitneys (he had chartered to take guests to and from the city...OK?) and go to his La La Land record release party. Don't think. Stop bitching. You already agreed.  Just go.

So I did.

But first, I'd need a "La La Land" themed costume.

The rules were clear. No costume, no admittance.

I figured everyone in the world would go for a bird or a cat or some shit...so I'd go for the one thing I didn't think anyone would come as.

A fish.

Kiss de girl...

I know. It SOUNDS pretty uninspiring...but once I got the makeup down, a dress that resembled glittery gills and added some fins... I was...

Umm...A Fish-Like Black Chick Thing!!  

Or something. I dunno. It was a better idea in my head. Anyway, who give shit? My glittery, drag queen-esque ensemble and Elsi's magnificent newsworthy Peacock outfit was enough to get us a swanky wristband and access into Sir Ivan's Castle. And dare I say...I was actually starting to get into the spirit of this thing. (How can you not, when you're dressed up like a drag queen?) 

Pretty Wings..

Think I should hand these out when people come to my spot?

So once you get there, you have to cross a drawbridge, and a moat. Finally...you enter the Castle. 

(Well, the Castle grounds anyway. The interior access was for Sir Ivan's peoples only.) 

Just a humble home. 

And I swear, I wanted to scoff. I wanted to get all snooty and talk about how ridiculous this whole thing was but dude really DID turn his place into La La Land. There was a carousel, a Mad Hatter Tea Party, these Lady Bug Glow Carts, unlimited caviar, champagne and, not to mention... and the most important thing here...everyone was COOL AS HELL. 

I mean, there was absolutely NO pretension in this party. Everyone invited must have embodied the "Peaceman"'s mantra of "Love Everyone And Everything" because we were IN LOVE. We were loving each other.. loving the night... loving the champagne... loving even more champagne... and even more... you get the idea... 

Lady...in a Bug

You spin me round right baby...right round...

We are lip-syncing...FOR OUR LIVES...

The Lady Of The House...And Her Dragon

Your party should just give up.

And there's just so much more that I can't really share (like the naked...umm... never mind. Go on my Instagram: @nyree6 to see what I mean.). What I can say is,  sometime around midnight, we were stumbling to catch the Jitney back to the city laughing, exhausted and wondering...what in the hell just happened.

So... the moral of the story?

If you get invited to a party where you have to get on a bus, just go. Don't think...just go.

Get your nose out of the air...and just do the damn thing.

If you have to dress up...DO IT AND GO FULL GANGSTA WITH IT!
(The chances of you enjoying this thing increases by a bazillion when you do.)

BLACK FACTOR: The party was extremely multicultural, diverse in age, sexuality and gender. It was really La La Land.

WOULD I DO IT AGAIN?: Absolutely!! But I need a better costume though. Seriously.

A FISH? Really? What was I thinking? The jokes ALONE...

-Nye